Set me free
by Ricci
Summary: A fatal accident costs Heero two years of his life. Duo makes a commitment. Will it be enough?
1.

Set Me Free  
by Ricci  
ricci@yaoi.de  
  
Part One  
  
Author's notes: This is a 1x2, with some 'guest appearances' of 4.   
Beside that it's a pretty mushy story and inconsistent with the   
Gundam Wing timeline. Gomen nasai!   
  
I took some liberties with the medical stuff in this story, the treatments  
administered here would never happen in the real world. But, hey,   
they can build gundams, sooo...... ^_~  
  
Oh, and this story is YAOI, with some citrusy parts later in the plot,   
so anyone who is bothered by that should stop reading now (but  
of course I know you aren't!).  
  
Surprisingly - as my fav character is Heero - there'll be mostly Duo   
in the beginning, you'll see why! That said - have fun!  
  
Disclaimers: Gundam Wing and all related characters belong to   
Sotsu Agency, Sunrise and TV Asahi. No copyright infringement   
is intended, no money made.  
  
Many thanks to Chaos Angel who beta-read the story for me,  
arigatou gozaimasu!!  
  
Archive: of course, if you like to!  
  
C&C craved!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
It was all happening too fast. The sky was exploding; torn by the  
gunfire which flashed like lightning. One moment Heero had everything  
under control, his senses on the battle, dancing the lethal waltz  
of destruction with the attacking mobile suits; the next moment his  
vision exploded with pain; horrid, immediate pain that set his nerves  
aflame.  
  
He opened his eyes, trying to see in the darkness that surrounded  
him. Panic flooded his senses for a moment - am I blind?? - before  
he fought it down to assess the damage.  
  
Obviously he was still in the cockpit of his gundam, though it felt  
cramped somehow. Something smelled funny, and there was a dead  
weight on his legs. Trying to move his arms, Heero screamed at the  
white-hot jolt of pain that tore through his body. A squeaking noise  
registered in his brain, and he felt the structure around him shift. In  
the nanosecond before something heavy crashed into his torso,  
when he could feel the air shift, he screamed.  
  
"DUUUUOOOO!!!!"  
  
  
  
  
Duo swallowed heavily as he stared through the glass window  
in the Intensive Care Unit at the prone form of his friend; lying in  
a sterile hospital bed, in a sterile hospital gown, surrounded by  
white sterile walls. A whole arsenal of machines were set up  
around his bed. Cables and tubes, some vanished under the white  
sheets covering his chest, while others attached to needles invaded  
his arms. With the respirator tube down his throat... Heero looked  
incredibly pale and fragile.  
  
Duo knew without looking that both of Heero's legs were in casts, the  
appendages bulky under the thin sheets. What shocked him most   
though, were the cables going inside of Heero's head. He had heard  
the word 'brain damage' in the hallway and it had shocked him  
to the core. He couldn't imagine an impaired Heero who wouldn't be  
anything more than a vegetable.  
  
How could this have happened to the 'perfect soldier'? Once  
again, Heero Yuy had proven that he indeed possessed the  
proverbial nine lives of a cat. Only this time, Duo had the suspicion  
that death would have been a mercy.  
  
One of Heero's doctors headed for Duo; carrying some papers in his hands.  
Duo tore his gaze from Heero and looked anxiously at the man  
in the white coat.  
  
"Konnichi wa. You must be Maxwell-san, I assume?"  
  
Confused, Duo nodded and opened his mouth to ask how he  
could possibly know.  
  
"Winner-san told me I'd find you here. My name is Kitamura, Yuy-san's  
doctor."  
  
Duo nodded again in apprehension, gulping nervously as  
Kitamura looked down at his papers.  
  
"I take it Yuy-san has no family. You are listed as the one to  
contact in case of emergency." He eyed the nervous young  
man with the long braid. "Is that correct?"  
  
"Hai." answered Duo in a small voice. Kitamura regarded him  
again, watching how Duo squirmed under his scrutiny.  
  
"Fine, then. I need to talk to you, in my office preferably. It's just  
down the hall." Duo nodded his consent and followed the doctor  
after glancing at Heero one last time.  
  
They sat in Kitamura-sensei's office; the room had PURPLE  
plush seats, Duo noted to himself, faintly amused and yet at the   
same time shocked at his amusement. Kitamura cleared his throat.  
  
"I guess you don't know much about brain injuries, so I'd like to  
give you a short explanation of what we are dealing with." He waited   
for Duo to nod before he continued. "It is not very difficult to   
understand. When the brain is injured, it will swell. The swelling  
is caused by leakage from nearby blood vessels. This wouldn't   
normally be life-threatening, but because it is encased within the   
skull, this swelling will cause parts of the brain to compress, which   
in turn decreases the blood flow and oxygen to parts of the brain.   
This causes further swelling. So we have to find a way to maintain   
the blood flow and oxygen to all parts of the brain in order to minimize   
the damage. Do you follow me so far?"  
  
"Does that mean you have to operate on his brain?" Duo asked  
numbly.  
  
"I have yet to see the results of the scans, so I can't tell yet. At  
the moment we have Yuy-san on very strong medications, which  
helps to draw fluid back out of the brain and into blood vessels. However,  
if this doesn't help, we'll have to remove some of the pressure surgically."  
  
Duo looked so shocked that Kitamura wisely refrained from telling  
him that they would remove brain tissue that was damaged beyond  
recovery in order to release the pressure inside Yuy-san's brain.  
  
"And... and how - how long..."  
  
Kitamura sighed. "I don't know. At the moment we have to monitor  
him around the clock in order to avoid intra-cranial pressure. We  
inserted IP monitoring devices which measure the pressure within  
the brain and immediately alert us if it increases, and a ventricular  
drain to drain off excess fluids." Kitamura paused as he saw that  
the young man wasn't listening to him anymore, obviously in shock.  
  
"Maxwell-san?" he called softly.  
  
"Please... call me Duo." whispered Duo and stared at his hands.  
His vision was blurring with tears.  
  
"I know this must be a shock for you, Duo-san, but it may look  
worse than it is. Many patients we have treated have recovered  
completely, so we have to wait and see. From what I see from  
his papers, Yuy-san is strong-willed and determined; plus he  
was in perfect physical condition. That will be extremely beneficial   
now."  
  
At Duo's desolate expression Kitamura got up from behind his  
desk and patted Duo's shoulder reassuringly. "And he needs  
you now."  
  
A shudder went through Duo's body. When he looked up again,  
a fierce determination burned in his eyes.  
  
*~*~*  
  
18 months later  
  
Duo fumbled with the keys and unlocked the door, pushing it  
open as it got stuck again.  
  
"Tadaima!" he called out to the unmoving figure by the window.  
  
In his day-dreams Heero turned his head and scowled at him,  
his glare softened by the tiny smile playing around his lips as  
he replied "Okaeri, Duo."  
  
In reality, however, only silence greeted him. Duo heaved a sigh   
and sat his backpack down at the door to the kitchen, stepping closer  
to Heero's bed and kicking his heavy shoes off in the process.  
The last rays of the evening sun cast a golden honey glow on  
Heero's serene face. He looked warm and alive; perhaps he was   
sleeping with pleasant dreams. Duo swallowed.  
  
"I hope you have nice dreams, koi. I hope you're in a warm place  
where the sun always shines and there are no guns, no blood, and no pain."  
He cringed when he realized how corny he sounded. His voice sounded so loud  
in the room, as he watched the dust motes dance in the dying sunlight. Heero  
remained unresponsive, as usual, though his eyes were moving under their  
lids. Duo cleared his throat and got up; going to the kitchen to put the  
vegetables he'd bought that day into the fridge. "Man, I had a hard day!" he  
called out to Heero. "Hazegawa-san was bugging me about those reports   
again; I told you about this, right? He didn't even listen to one word I said.   
Guess it's easy to just blame the newbie." He kicked the door of the fridge   
shut. "God, sometimes I hate him."  
  
Duo looked around searching the kitchen; the bowl of cereal he left on the  
counter that morning had to be somewhere.  
  
"But on the other hand, I got to meet Junako again when I had to go  
to Hazegawa-san's office. I really wonder how she can keep her  
good mood when she's gotta be around him all day." His search over, Duo  
spotted his bowl of cereal. "Ah, found it. Eww, the milk is warm. Anyway,  
she's really nice. She even asked me to go out with her, but..."  
  
Duo made his way to the living room again. He flipped the TV on  
and turned the volume down, so it merely chattered in the  
background. Anything to alleviate the heavy silence.  
  
He sat down beside Heero on the soft blanket that covered Heero  
all the way up to his chest. The mattress creaked once, the only  
other sounds besides the mindless chatter of the TV and the slurping   
sounds of Duo wolfing down his cereal.  
  
"Ya know," Duo said around the spoonfuls of cereal in his mouth, "I  
came really close ta telling her about ya today." He swallowed the  
food. "Dunno why. Maybe because she's so nice and I kinda feel  
lonely..." He trailed off as he realized what he'd just said. A frown  
creased his forehead. " But it's not your fault." he told the silent figure  
on the bed. The cereal had lost its appeal suddenly, and he just stirred the  
milk with the spoon and watched the little waves that erupted around it.  
  
With a heavy sigh he rose once more, placing the bowl on the low  
table beside the bed that was littered with pills and syringes and  
all kinds of medical supplies. Duo knelt beside the bed and took  
Heero's limp arm. Raising it and draping it around his shoulders, he  
closed his eyes and let the warmth of Heero's arm sink in. Duo lowered  
his head and rested it lightly on Heero's chest, which rose and fell with  
each slow breath. "Dai suki da," he whispered softly.  
  
The TV droned on and on in the background.  
  
With a sigh Duo rose and pulled down the blanket. He listened to  
the TV as he methodically bent Heero's legs and arms, providing the  
minimum level of exertion the muscles needed in order not to degenerate.  
  
When he was finished, he propped Heero up on a pillow that supported  
his spine and checked the catheter. Heero was flinched, and it appeared as  
if he was making a sound deep in his throat. Duo had been told that this was  
normal and was to be expected. However it still unnerved him sometimes,  
because it only heightened the impression that Heero was just sleeping, that  
he could simply wake him up. As it was, Heero only reacted to pain stimuli,  
and it was unclear if that was merely a reflex or a very low level of  
consciousness.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Later that evening Duo decided to go to bed early for once. After he  
had finished watching one of the more popular sitcoms and munching on potato  
chips while chuckling at the jokes, he cleaned up the mess he'd made on the  
sofa. Upon his satisfaction of cleanliness (as scant an inkling he has on  
the concept anyway) Duo went to brush his teeth, shedding his clothes on the  
way to the bathroom. When he emerged again, he was wearing his pajama  
bottoms and carrying a plastic bowl with water splashing in it.  
  
"Time to get you squeaky clean!" he announced to the still figure of  
Heero. He sat down the bowl beside the bed and drew back the covers,  
careful not to disturb the IV line. A few minutes later Heero was naked and  
Duo set on the task to wash him.  
  
He did it with a clinical detachment, thinking back to a time when he'd  
been embarrassed to see his friend nude. He smiled at the memory.  
  
"You know, you're getting soft, Heero. I think it'd be a good time to wake  
up now, before all your famous stomach muscles turn to jelly." Duo said and  
poked said stomach with a finger. For some reason tears were suddenly  
stinging his eyes. He wiped them away with the back of his hand. "Damn,Yuy.  
Now I'm crying like a lovesick teenager." Duo's voice was a whisper and his  
hands trembled as he continued to wash Heero.  
  
Duo's task at last completed, Heero's skin was chilled and clammy to the  
touch. The braided boy hurried to dress his love in a fresh shirt and wrap  
him in the warm blankets once more. Then he filled a syringe with a clear  
liquid from one of the many vials on the table and injected it into the IV  
line.  
  
"You know," he said quietly, "sometimes I feel like just drowning all those  
pills with a nice burning glass of whiskey and end it all. But..." Duo's  
hand reached for Heero's cheek and brushed it softly. "...don't worry, I  
won't leave you alone." He bent down and pressed his lips to Heero's  
unresponsive ones. "I'll be here for you when you wake up again." Sighing  
Duo discarded the needle and tossed the syringe into a small basin filled  
with disinfectant.  
  
The light from the street lamps filtered through the drawn curtains,  
silvery, silent as Duo made his last trip to the bathroom that evening to  
empty the contents of the catheter bag into the toilet. He kept a small  
amount of the liquid in a vial that he would drop off at the hospital first  
thing in the morning. He finally sat down on his own bed, unbound the braid  
and began brush his hair.  
  
"That's another daydream I have." he told the other boy. "Where you sit  
behind me with your legs beside me, and run your fingers through my loose  
hair." Involuntarily his eyes fell on the long slender fingers of the young  
man in the other bed; willing them to twitch, knowing they wouldn't. "One  
day I'll ask you to do it for me." Duo gently put the brush on his  
nightstand and lay down, bringing the sheets up in one swift movement. His  
head rested on one bent arm as he watched Heero silently.  
  
"Oyasumi, koi."  
  
His eyes were liquid pools of moonlight in the darkness.  
  
*~*~*  
  
"Tadaima!"  
  
"Do you always do that?" Duo nudged the door open and motioned for   
Junako to enter.  
  
"Yah. You never know, maybe he wakes up when I'm not home. But... oh   
well. Come in!" Junako's eyes fell on the bed near the big window and the   
figure of a young man lying on it. She hadn't known what to say, when   
Duo had told her about his... friend; she hadn't believed him at first. To   
think the doctors would leave a comatose patient in the hands of a  
nineteen, no, he must have been barely eighteen years old then. But here   
he was. "You want something to drink?" Duo's voice tore her from her reverie.  
"Not that I have much to offer! Let's see..." Junako followed him into the  
small kitchen and leaned against the stove. "There's orange juice, milk, tea  
if you like, but I don't know how old it is, and some beer." He looked at  
her quizzically. "I don't suppose you want beer..." She grinned and shook  
her head.  
  
"No. But orange juice sounds just fine," she said. Duo rummaged in the  
fridge and produced a bottle of juice.  
  
"Ta-DA!! And it's even nicely chilled!" He got two glasses out of a cupboard  
and poured orange juice into them, handing her one.  
  
"Doesn't it feel strange?" asked Junako after a while, resting the cool  
glass against her cheek.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Him." she nodded in the direction of Heero's bed. Duo's smile faded  
and his gaze was absent as he stared into his glass.  
  
"No, it doesn't feel strange. I'm... used to it, I guess. But..." Junako's  
eyes were as soft as the touch of her hand when she placed  
it on his arm.  
  
"We don't have to talk about that if you don't want to." Duo chuckled  
softly, though Junako was aware of the trace of bitterness in his voice.  
  
"Oh, but I want to talk about it!" He put his glass aside. "Come  
on! I'll introduce you!" Junako smiled again at his enthusiasm and let  
herself be dragged along.  
  
Heero was pretty. No, pretty seemed to be the wrong word. He was  
beautiful. Dark ruffled bangs spilled onto the pillow, gleaming in the  
sunlight that streamed in from the window. Long dark lashes rested  
against smooth cheeks, pale and delicate in their appearance.   
Heero's hands were at his sides, on the light blue blanket.  
  
"He's beautiful when he sleeps." Duo whispered at her side. Junako  
shot him a quick glance, not surprised to see him stare adoringly at  
his lover. Her eyes swept over the low table with its load of medical  
stuff back to Heero again who was as still as a marble statue.  
  
"So when will he wake up again?" she asked Duo. He sighed and  
shrugged.  
  
"They... they said..." There was a short pause when Duo lowered his  
gaze to the floor. "They weren't even sure he will, ever." Junako felt  
ashamed for asking.  
  
"I'm sorry," she said quietly. Duo gave a short laugh that sounded very  
false and raised one hand to rub his neck.  
  
"Don't worry! I know for certain that he'll wake up, even if it's only to  
shut me up!" Junako had to smile at that.  
  
"I'm sure he will be happy that his lover waited for him." Duo's face fell a  
bit.  
  
"Ano... we're not lovers... at least not officially. I mean..." She blinked  
at that.  
  
"But I thought..." There it was again, the bitter chuckle.  
  
"He sort of went out and fell into a coma before I could tell him." Junako  
resisted the urge to blurt 'He doesn't even know???' in disbelief.  
  
"You're full of surprises, Duo-san." Her gaze dropped to Heero again,  
noticing how shiny his hair was and how clean the sheets were. "You're  
taking good care of him. I imagine that it must be quite hard to take care  
of another person like that." Duo shrugged and went over to the kitchen.  
  
"No big deal." He came back with their glasses, offering her the couch with  
a gesture. She sat down and took the glass from him.  
  
"No, really. You have a full-time job. What will you do if he wakes up and  
you're not there?" Duo extracted the keys from the pocket of his black jeans  
and threw them to her. She caught them in surprise and looked at them.  
  
"See this metallic tube kinda thing? There are sensors attached to him  
that monitor his heartbeat and blood pressure. If something's wrong, this  
thingie starts beeping like crazy and also calls the hospital. It's pretty  
neat; I got it from Kitamura-sensei, Heero's doc. You can program it to call  
eight different numbers, but I think the only important one is the  
hospital." Junako stared in wonder at the small tube. One could mistake it  
for some sort of laser pointer or something like that.  
  
"But how do they get in when you're not here?" she asked.  
  
"Oh, I gave Kitamura-sensei a key; it was part of the deal when I took  
Heero in." Junako nodded slowly, tossing the keys back at him.  
  
"I've been wondering about that," she admitted, "How did they allow you to  
take Heero home with you? I mean, you were just eighteen, weren't you?"Duo  
smiled ruefully and leaned back in the soft cushions of the couch.  
  
"Yeah. It nearly didn't happen! But for once my big mouth was good for  
something. You see; the people were still recovering from the constant war,  
and it wasn't like Heero had a good insurance willing to pay.  
They didn't wanna keep him in the hospital, because they couldn't do  
anymore for him. He would have just been transmitted to a long term  
facility." He paused and drank some more juice. "And those facilities  
are expensive as hell!" Junako nodded again understandingly, and for a short  
moment Duo contemplated telling her about Relena, how close he had been to  
begging Relena for money, but then he decided against it.  
"Anyway, they didn't know what to do with him, so I suggested I  
take care of him." When he didn't continue, Junako prompted  
  
"And they just let you take him like that?" Duo shook his head, staring at  
the blank TV screen.  
  
"Oh no! No way. They put up quite a fight, you know, all this crap about  
close family and blah blah blah. But Heero has no one-" Junako heard the  
'except for me' hanging in the air  
  
" So there wasn't much they could do. I was willing to take care  
of him and I was the legal age, - barely, but who cares - Plus they  
knew me from all the time I spent there with him. Kitamura-sensei had a long  
talk with me, 'bout all the risks and psychological stuff, then the nurses  
showed me what to do... Then I had to get a job and an apartment that  
matched their requirements; and here we are." Duo inhaled deeply and turned  
his violet eyes on her. Junako felt the butterflies stir in her stomach.  
"Why don't you tell me something about your life? We're talking about me all  
the time," said Duo, attempting to change the subject. She grinned.  
  
"Not much to tell. My brother got me the job at Hajousei. He worked there  
for a year. Since then I've been enduring Hazegawa-san." Junako earned a  
sympathetic smile for that. "What else? I have a cat and an old piano and  
four big boxes of stuff I can't bring myself to throw away. Like I said,"  
She sipped on her juice. "Not much to tell." There were many questions on  
her mind about Heero, about his condition, and also about Duo himself. She  
sensed that he had constructed a cheerful mask that was firmly in place for  
the rest of the world. Only this time she had seen the tiny cracks in it.  
  
However, she said nothing.  
  
The silence was heavy and oppressive. Her gaze stole to the body on the bed  
again, and suddenly she was anxious to get out of there, away from it: him.  
  
Duo seemed to feel her uneasiness. He stretched, a few joints popping.  
  
"Say, I've been wondering, would you like to go to the movies with me?  
They're having reruns of some old movies this weekend." Junako nodded her  
consent eagerly, relieved to have a chance to escape the strange atmosphere.  
  
"Sure! If it isn't too much of an inconvenience for you..." Duo made a  
dismissive gesture.  
  
"Nonsense! It's weekend! I have all the time in the world, ne?" He  
winked at her with those incredibly beautiful violet eyes and she felt her  
uneasiness melting, vanishing.  
  
They left the glasses on the table, grabbing their coats on the way to the  
door. It shut with a resounding click behind them.  
  
Silence fell on the small apartment again.  
  
*~*~*  
  
After fumbling for a while Duo finally managed to open the door and stumbled  
in, not bothering to turn on the lights. He staggered to the bed and  
collapsed in front of it.  
  
"Can you believe it?" His words were slurred. "She tried ta kiss m'. I  
fuckin' told her 'm gay an' she tries ta kiss me!" He clutched Heero's arm  
with both hands. "Wake up. Ya hear me? Wake up!"  
  
Heero didn't respond and the seconds ticked away.  
  
"Why... Heero..." Duo's sight blurred with hot tears, some of them coursing  
slowly down his cheeks to fall on the pale blue bed sheets. "I love you." he  
managed without slurring the words together and cried even harder. That  
night he crept under the covers and pressed himself against Heero's warm  
body.  
  
*~*~*  
  
"So how are you doing, Duo-san?" asked Doctor Kitamura when he saw the young  
man picking up the amount of weekly supplies for his patient. Duo was joking  
with the head nurse as she gathered them for him.  
  
"Kitamura-sensei! We're fine, thank you." Duo grinned at him broadly,  
flashing a V-sign at the nurse who giggled. Kitamura smiled when he noticed  
the 'we'. He was very fond of Duo who had taken on such a heavy burden and  
carried it without complaining once.  
  
Of course that was the problem, since he suspected that Duo's cheerfulness  
hid underlying pain. He knew that Duo was keeping it all down, trying to  
ignore it so it would go away. The doctor also knew that this would break  
the young man in front of him if he didn't find a way to relieve him of at  
least some of the stress.  
  
"Would you come to my office with me, Duo-san? I'd like to talk with you, if  
you have time." Duo nodded and followed him, tossing some dirty joke over  
his shoulder as he went which sent the head nurse  
into giggles again.  
  
"What is it you want to talk to me about, Kitamura-sensei?" Duo asked once  
they were inside Kitamura's office.  
  
"Sit." Duo obliged and sank down in one of the ridiculous purple  
plush seats. "You're taking good care of Heero-san." Duo smiled softly.  
Kitamura continued, "It's starting to get warm again. Why don't you take  
Heero-san outside sometimes? You still have the wheelchair, right?"  
  
"Yeah, that's a good idea." Duo nodded.  
  
"Maybe some outside stimulation helps," said the doctor,  
"You never know, and..." Duo looked up at the strange tone of voice. He knew  
that Kitamura was up to something, probably some  
'psychological stuff' again. He was right. "Are you alright, Duo-san? No  
problems sleeping or eating?" Duo sighed mentally. Of course.  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine, sensei, no need to worry." Kitamura eyed him.  
  
"You know you can talk to me about everything. I'm a good listener." The  
young man didn't meet his eyes.  
  
"There's... there's this girl..." Oh, Kitamura thought, female trouble. Duo  
seemed to debate whether to talk or leave. "She works at Hajousei, too, and  
she's nice..."  
  
When Duo didn't continue for some time, Kitamura gently  
said "Go on." Duo sighed deeply.  
  
"I invited her to come over last weekend. I mean, I had already told her  
about Heero 'n... Heero and me. But she still was kinda edgy all the time.  
And then... we went to the movies and to a bar after that and she..." He  
blushed suddenly. "She kissed me." he said quietly.  
Kitamura raised his eyebrows. "And now I don't know how to talk to her. I  
don't see her every day, only if I'm called up to Hazegawa-san's office. But  
still..." Kitamura waited, but Duo seemed to be finished.  
  
"You like her?" Duo nodded once, a tiny nod.  
  
"Yeah. That's... kind of...the problem." He looked up at Kitamura, and there  
was unveiled despair in his eyes. "I can trust you, Kitamura-sensei, right?  
I mean..." Sympathy rose in Kitamura at Duo's forlorn look.  
  
"Yes, Duo-san."  
  
Duo leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, bowing his head and  
staring at the ground.  
  
"I-I love Heero." When he didn't hear a gasp of surprise he dared to look up  
again, meeting Kitamura's eyes.  
  
"I know." answered Kitamura calmly. "It is obvious from the way you treat  
him. There's nothing wrong with that." Duo let out a breath that he hadn't  
realized he was holding.  
  
"Really?" he sounded dubious.  
  
"What did you think I would do?" asked Kitamura. "Take him away from you?"  
Again that tiny nod. Kitamura smiled. "Duo-san, I think what you are doing  
is very honourable. I don't know anyone your age who would be willing to  
take over a responsibility like that, and if your love for Heero-san only  
serves to deepen your devotion I can't see anything wrong with it." Duo  
blushed furiously.  
  
"But you know... I told Junako, the girl, about my orientation and still..."  
  
"Duo-san, you're a good-looking young man. It's no wonder a woman feels  
drawn to you."  
  
Duo scowled. "But she kissed me! How can she kiss a guy who's gay?" His  
cheeks reddened further at the blunt way in which he said it.  
  
"Perhaps she was confused," offered Kitamura. Sighing Duo leaned back again.  
  
"I finally thought that there was someone I could talk with." He shot a  
glance at Kitamura and hastily continued, "I mean, someone my age, someone  
to hang around with." He exhaled sharply again and tousled his  
chestnut bangs with a hand. "I guess I have to think this over for a little  
while." Kitamura sensed the walls coming up again, and he was right. A ghost  
of Duo's enigmatic smile flickered over his features as  
he got up.  
  
"Gomen nasai for monopolizing your time like that, Kitamura-sensei."  
Kitamura shook his head. "You can talk to me whenever you feel like it,  
Duo-san. And don't brood over this too long. Remember, Heero-san's condition  
is stable enough to take him with you for a walk or a short trip. Why don't  
you go out and socialize? You don't do yourself any favors if you hole  
yourself up in your apartment. Well, I'll see you next week, Duo-san,  
right?" Duo grinned widely and tipped his forehead in a mock salute.  
  
"You bet!"  
  
*~*~*  
  
When he got home, his answering machine was blinking, signaling that someone  
had left a message. Duo unpacked all the supplies and listened to the  
message.  
  
"Moshi moshi, Duo-kun! It's Quatre. I'll be in town next weekend, that is  
the 23rd, and thought I'd drop by if you don't mind. Give me a call, you can  
reach me at the company. Ja ne!" Duo, smiling with surprise, paused his  
unpacking, and turned to Heero.  
  
"Oi, did you hear that?? Quatre is coming! Man, it's been forever since I  
saw him... ne, Heero?" His thoughts went back, remembering happier times,  
but he shook himself mentally. "I'm thinking about the old times waaaay too  
much." Duo sat down on the bed and checked Heero for any small sign of  
consciousness, but as he had already guessed, Heero slept as peacefully as  
he had when Duo had left. "You know, I really wonder where you are right  
now, koi. I mean, can you hear me? If you can... Or maybe it's like having a  
real long dream, a nice one hopefully." Duo sighed and took Heero's hand  
between his. "You're so warm, so alive. It's like I just have to shake you and   
you'll wake up. Glaring at me with those blue eyes of yours. I miss them you   
know."   
  
Depression lurked in a corner, ready to cloud his mind once more, and Duo   
cursed loudly. "Shimatta!! I won't let it... Heero, we're going out for a walk."   
When he went to the closet to get some clothes for his friend, a mischievous   
glint sparkled in his eyes.  
"And don't you think it won't be in spandex shorts!"  
  
With some effort he got Heero dressed, disconnecting the IV line but leaving  
the hollow needle inside of Heero's hand. After all, he'd have to get him on  
the IV again later.  
  
The wheelchair was under the bed, gathering dust, where it had been stored  
during the winter and early spring. Duo crinkled his nose in disgust at all  
the dust that was whirling around in the room now.  
  
"When you wake up Yuy, I'll be the perfect housewife." He hoisted the other  
boy up and toted him in his arms. Once more he was shocked at how light he  
was, Duo lowered him into the waiting wheelchair. Another blanket from the  
closet, this one a heavy quilt, went around Heero's waist and legs. "Done. I  
think that'll be warm enough." Duo knelt in front of the wheelchair and  
lifted slender fingers to touch the other boy's face. There was no difference   
in his serene expression.  
  
Duo set on the task to adjust the backrest, so that Heero's  
head wouldn't roll from one side to the other. He scrutinized  
his work from a distance and, satisfied with the results, pulled  
on his coat.  
  
The elevator took them the short trip to the first floor, then they  
were finally outside. Duo inhaled the fresh air deeply. It tasted  
faintly like rain and he looked up at the sky to make sure there  
were no clouds. It was in the middle of April after all where the  
weather was as unpredictable as a capricious cat.  
  
But the skies were a clear greyish blue, not a trace of any dark  
clouds bearing rain. "It's beautiful, ne, Heero?"  
  
He pushed the wheelchair gently and headed to the park  
nearby. There were close to no people there, only a few  
joggers and some people taking their dogs for a walk. It  
was early afternoon; surely most people were either working  
again after their lunch break or at home, having lunch. A soft   
breeze came up and ruffled Heero's dark bangs.  
  
"About time we cut your hair, man." said Duo, realizing how  
long those bangs were. "Or maybe we should let it grow?  
Hey, wouldn't it be fun if you woke up and had a braid just like  
me? Kawaii!" He grinned as he imagined Heero's shocked face.   
"But I'm afraid that's out of the question. No offense, but long hair is  
a bitch to maintain and just takes more time." A bitter smile crept on his  
face. "Mmh, maybe I should take my own advice. No can do that! Or you   
won't recognize me at all!"  
  
Duo wrinkled his nose. Yeah, if -no, WHEN Heero woke up  
again there'd be a lot of surprises. Besides all the political stuff going  
on. Duo was quite tall now, having filled out nicely, with broad  
shoulders and lean long legs. He'd kept his braid at hip length, one time  
when he had been really depressed, he had considered dying it black, but  
thankfully he hadn't acted on that idea. His voice had deepened to a light  
baritone. He wondered what Heero's voice would sound like. Surely it had  
changed, too, hadn't it? Along with the rest of Heero's body. He didn't know  
for sure of course, but he guessed Heero would be about the same size as he  
was, though he was even more slender than he used to be as a teenaged boy.  
That of course would vanish with physical therapy and a proper diet.  
  
"I bet Relena would love ta be the one taking care of you." Duo murmured as  
he stroked some stubborn bangs out of his eyes. On impulse he bent down and  
hugged Heero, the wheelchair's backrest between them.  
  
"But I won't let her, koi." He noticed the strange looks passersby gave him  
and straightened again. "I won't let her."  
  
*~*~*  
  
One week later  
  
"Quatre!!" Quatre smiled as Duo embraced him, hugging him like there was no  
tomorrow.  
  
"Oi, Duo, let up, I can't breathe!" he laughed and entered Duo's apartment.  
Immediately his eyes fell on Heero, but he turned to Duo instead.  
  
"I'm sorry that I can't stay the whole weekend, it's not like I didn't want  
to, but..."  
  
Duo waved his hand dismissively. "Oh, that's okay, I'm happy you came at  
all. So how's it going with Trowa?" Duo grinned cheekily at Quatre's blush.  
  
'Trust him to know how to embarass me!' Quatre thought silently.  
  
"We're fine, really. Trowa is working quite a lot with the security team of  
the company, so we meet quite often at work. And after the company hit the  
stock market, I've been wading through paper work, so there's not much free  
time. But I like it."  
  
Duo smiled as they sat down on the sofa. "That's good to hear."  
  
"What about you? I heard you work for Hajousei now," asked Quatre.  
  
"Yeah, though it's really boring sometimes. Except for Hazegawa-san, head of  
department, mind you, everyone is really nice, though." Quatre nodded  
slowly.  
  
"And how's Heero?" There, he had gotten it out, the dreaded question. Duo  
shrugged and gazed over at the prone form.  
  
"He's okay. His vitals are where they're supposed to be and Kitamura-sensei  
says he's dreaming sometimes. You can see his eyes moving. I've been taking  
him out for walks the last couple of weeks, maybe that helped." Quatre saw  
through the nonchalant way that had been said.  
  
"And what about you, Duo? How are you holding up?" Anger shimmered in Duo's  
eyes as he regarded Quatre.  
  
"Why's everyone treading around me on velvet paws? I'm okay! Why shouldn't  
I?" His voice broke on the last word though, and to his horror he felt the  
familiar sting of tears.  
  
"Oh Duo." said Quatre quietly and was suddenly right next to him, taking Duo  
into his arms. Duo wanted to struggle. He tried desperately to cling to the  
cheerfulness, but it fled through his fingers, as a hard sob wracked his  
body. Quatre's arms were strong and steady, and they provided a warmth Duo  
had been hungering for. "It's okay to cry, Duo," whispered Quatre softly  
right beside his ear and his embrace tightened. Duo closed his eyes and let  
it all go, all the anger and despair and disappointment.  
  
His voice broke again and again as he cried those questions asking why. Why  
Heero didn't wake up? Why he loved him so much? Why at all? Quatre said  
nothing, only rocked him gently like you would a frightened child.  
  
Finally Duo's sobs died down to sniffles and he withdrew slowly, his eyes  
downcast.  
  
"Gomen nasai, Quatre."  
  
"Iie," said Quatre firmly. "Don't feel ashamed. I suspected you'd be  
bottling it all down like that and... it's not healthy. Besides, I'm your  
friend. I can't concentrate on my work if I keep worrying about you, ne? So  
next time just call me if you need someone." Duo couldn't express the  
gratitude he felt at those words, the relief filling him. He reached for a  
tissue and blew his nose before answering.  
  
"Thank you, Quatre. I guess I just didn't wanna be a bother. But I-I needed  
that." He paused, before grinning weakly. "Ch', just look at me, crying like  
a damsel in distress when you're finally here! Shall we go out and grab  
something to eat? There's a nice Italian restaurant at the  
end of the street." Quatre pointed at Heero with his chin.  
  
"Is that alright with him?" Duo snorted.  
  
"It's not like he will protest, right? No, don't worry, as long as I carry  
my beeper with me and we don't end up too far from here it's okay. And I  
think I need to get outta here for a while." Quatre nodded and went over to  
the bed while Duo vanished in the bathroom.  
  
"You don't know how lucky you are, Heero. Better hurry and come back from  
wherever you are, before Duo breaks. He loves you, you know?"  
  
He pressed Heero's hand shortly and bid his good-bye to his still friend.  
  
*~*~*  
  
"I met with Relena-san last month." said Quatre when they were  
seated at a table in the 'nice Italian restaurant'. Duo's eyes  
widened.  
  
"You did? When? How?" Quatre shrugged and swirled the red wine in his glass  
with a movement of his hand.  
  
"Yes, I saw her. There was a formal reception at the estate of one of our  
customers, and I was invited. She was obviously a friend of his family. And  
she--" Quatre looked at Duo and smiled. "--She announced her engagement to a  
certain Raya Torsequan." Duo's eyes were wide like saucers, and he looked so  
shocked that Quatre was afraid he might fall off of the chair.  
  
"Engaged?" squeaked Duo.  
  
"Yes." repeated Quatre, frowning a little. "You DO know who Torsequan-san  
is, ne Duo?" Duo managed to look shocked and embarassed at the  
same time.  
  
"Uhh... you see, I avoided watching news somehow..." Quatre shook his head  
wonderingly.  
  
"He belongs to a noble family who lived in the Sanq Kingdom, they kept  
hidden during the war. In the last year he got popular for being totally  
devoted to the principle of absolute non-violence and he won the Nobel Peace  
prize for literature for his work 'Transcending Nature'. His face was  
everywhere!" Duo raised his eyebrows.  
  
"So Relena found herself a little pacifist, and from the Sanq Kingdom to top  
it off. Wow. Does that mean..." He trailed off meaningfully.  
  
"I think she has overcome her infatuation with Heero-san," agreed Quatre.  
Duo stared into his wineglass.  
  
"I'm not entirely sure if I'm happy or not." Quatre frowned.  
  
"Why is that?"  
  
"Remember when I told you about that rehabilitation center  
who was willing to take Heero?"  
  
"Yes." Quatre remembered only too well. "You didn't want to accept any money  
from me." Duo gulped.  
  
"That's right, because you were about to found that little company of yours,  
and you needed the capital." He shot Quatre a meaningful glance. "I was real  
close to asking Relena for money then." Quatre just stared at him.  
  
"Relena?? But-but--"  
  
"--Why accept her money and not yours? Well, first of all she HAS everything  
she could possibly need and more. And second, I figured it would fit into  
her plans quite well, if she could demonstrate her nobility and all by  
supporting one of the Gundam pilots. Of course she would've done it because  
of her li'l ol' 'infatuation' as you call it, so I'm absolutely sure she  
would've done it."  
  
"And why didn't you ask her in the end?" They both leaned back when the  
waiter appeared and set down the plates with their orders in front of them.  
Duo reached for his napkin and unfolded it.  
  
"Because she would have taken him away from me, I guess." Quatre never  
ceased to be amazed at the depth of Duo's feelings for his fellow pilot.  
Neither Trowa nor he himself had had a clue at how much Duo cared for Heero.  
It had been quite a surprise for all of them when Duo had demanded he be the  
one to take care of Heero. And to see all that he had sacrificed just to be  
with Heero, who probably would never wake...   
"Have you seen Wufei lately?" asked Duo, interrupting Quatre's thoughts.   
The blonde shook his head.  
  
"No. The last time I saw him was last year. I hope he is fine, because he  
looked awful back then. I tried to keep in touch but he just vanished  
again."  
  
"He can take care of himself. Always could." answered Duo and dove into his  
spaghetti again.  
  
"Let's hope so." Quatre smiled again, though his smile was tinged with  
worry. They finished their meal talking about times long past, laughing or  
sharing companionable silence. Before they knew it, it was near midnight;  
Quatre excused himself.  
  
"I have to go now, Duo. We have to do this more often, I feel wonderfully  
relaxed."  
  
"Aw, and I was sure only Trowa got that reaction!!" Duo laughed heartily at  
Quatre's embarrassment. "S-sumimasen! I couldn't resist! Anyway you're  
right, this evening was fun. Glad you could come!"  
  
They hugged.  
  
"Take care of yourself, Duo." whispered Quatre into Duo's ear before he let  
go again. Duo nodded solemnly.  
  
"I will. Thank you, Quatre." Quatre waved as he hailed a cab that would take  
him to his hotel. He would board a shuttle to L2 the next morning to go to  
some convention. Duo turned and shoved his hands into the pockets of his  
coat, heading home to his apartment and Heero.  
  
*~*~*  
  
For some reason Duo didn't feel like sleeping, so he settled on  
taking a long soak in the tub instead. He lit two candles  
in the bathroom that cast a calming, golden glow over the  
white porcelain. The two dark green ferns Duo liked to keep  
in the bathroom looked like mysterious living beings in the  
flickering candlelight. Duo had gone totally slack in the hot water, his  
hair like a shampoo covered turban on his head, resting against the  
tub.  
  
One of his favorite fantasies replayed in his head, where Heero was with him  
in the hot water, in a large tub of Course, and sitting between Duo's legs.  
Duo sighed softly and imagined Heero's seductive glare when he would hold  
Duo's hips in the steely grip of his hands and raise them out of the water,  
like a worshipper offering a sacrifice to his good. Duo's length would be  
hot and erect and directly in front of Heero's mouth.  
  
Duo sighed again and shifted in the tub, sinking deeper  
into the water as his fingers curled around his erection,  
pumping slowly up and down.  
  
Heero's lips would close around the tip of his member, his tongue swirling  
over the little slit on top of it, teasing it. Then his fingers would dig  
into Duo's hips, the water splashing as Heero would move his head up and  
down, exerting just the right amount of pressure, and then...  
  
'Oh yesssss...'  
  
Duo's back arched, his mouth opened in a silent cry, as he came violently,  
his seed drifting like a cloud in the water. His hand continued to pump, as  
he eased himself back down from the heights of the orgasm. When he opened  
his eyes and saw the mess he wrinkled  
his nose in disgust.  
  
'Eww.'  
  
Duo let the water out and took a quick shower; rinsing the shampoo out of  
his hair and applying conditioner, which got rinsed out some minutes later  
as well. Still naked he went into the living room again; he'd left his  
pajama on his bed that morning. After checking on Heero and giving him his  
nightly thrombosis shot, Duo curled up beside him.  
  
"I had a lot of fun with Quatre tonight." Duo said while his hand played  
with a lock of Heero's hair. "I'm sorry we left you alone... and I'm also  
sorry you had to hear me bawl my eyes out like that. I wish you could have  
come with us. Maybe next time..." He stroked Heero's warm cheek. "I love  
you, baka. Come back to me."  
  
*~*~* 


	2. 

Several weeks later  
  
"MAXWELL!!!" Duo flinched as the well-known voice thundered through the  
room. "Get your sorry ass in here, NOW!" Junako smiled at him in sympathy as  
Duo sighed and straightened himself to face Hazegawa-san.  
  
"Guess I'm in for another round, huh..." said Duo. Just then a strange noise  
filled the room. It didn't sound like any of the xerox machines or phones...  
in fact its origin seemed to be awfully close... Junako stared at Duo with  
wide eyes.  
  
"Duo... your beeper...?" she breathed.  
  
Duo's mouth fell open as he fumbled frantically for his keys. The beeping  
noise got louder as he pulled them out of his pocket, and a red light on the  
small metallic tube blinked furiously.  
  
"Heero!"  
  
"I'll tell Hazegawa-san!" Junako yelled as Duo made a mad dash for the door.  
He didn't even hear her.  
  
When he arrived at his apartment, out of breath, the door was ajar. He had  
seen the ambulance on the street; he had known they'd be there before him.  
  
His heart pounded with anticipation when he pushed the door open. Kitamura  
sat on the bed beside Heero whose shirt had been stripped off, revealing the  
sensors attached to his chest.  
  
"How is he?" asked Duo breathlessly. Kitamura looked up at him and smiled.  
  
"He's waking up, Duo-san. He's finally waking up!" Duo wanted to scream and  
dance in joy, but he could not tear his gaze from Heero. His eyes were  
moving under his eyelids, and there! His fingers had twitched.  
  
'God, how often have I imagined this exact moment,' Duo thought. Just then  
two EMTs entered with a gurney between them. Before Duo could ask, Kitamura  
explained.  
  
"They're taking him to the hospital. We have to monitor him closely. Help us  
with him, will you?" Duo nodded and shrugged out of his coat, tossing it to  
the side. Kitamura marveled at his swift movements as  
Duo knelt down beside Heero and disconnected the IV while brushing some  
strands of hair out of Heero's face at the same time. They lifted Heero onto  
the gurney and strapped him to it.  
  
"Should I take some of the medication?" Duo asked, immediately feeling dumb  
when Kitamura shook his head no.  
  
"But you might bring the wake-up-bag you prepared. He might need it soon."  
  
When they had transferred Heero to Duo's apartment Duo had insisted on  
packing a 'wake-up-bag', as he called it, just in case Heero woke and they'd  
have to make a hasty exit. It did come in handy now, Kitamura  
had to admit.  
  
"Oh yeah! Nearly forgot about that!" Duo said ruefully and went to get it  
immediately. Five minutes later he sat beside the gurney inside of the  
ambulance, holding Heero's hand. Kitamura sat on the other side of the  
gurney and watched Duo.  
  
"Duo-san... I'm sorry, I don't want to destroy the moment, but I have to  
remind you that it's not like when he wakes up from a bad dream. 'Waking up'  
in his case just means that he reacts to external stimuli, such as calling  
his name or just calling out to him in general. He may move his face to the  
sound, or just his hands, who knows. Sometimes he might even not react at  
all. His reflexes are very limited." Duo stared at him dumbfounded.  
  
"What does that mean?" Sighing Kitamura explained.  
  
"'Waking up' is just a term we use, Duo-san. It doesn't mean his eyes snap  
open and he'll be the same person again." Duo looked back at Heero whose  
eyes were moving rapidly under closed eyelids.  
  
"But I thought..."  
  
"I'm sorry. But he'll get there, in time. I guess it'll be harder  
for you to come here after work, but I'll see to it that his therapy  
sessions are scheduled in late afternoon," said Kitamura.  
  
"You mean I can stay during the therapy sessions?"  
  
"I think it's imperative that you do! He's used to your presence, I'm sure  
therapy will be a whole lot more effective if you're there to help." 'And  
it will ensure you don't feel left out,' concluded Kitamura in his mind.  
  
"Count on me!" blurted Duo. "I'll be there!"  
  
He was true to his word.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Nine weeks later  
  
"Duo-san, please calm down!" Kitamura leaned forward and offered a  
kleenex-box to the sobbing young man. "It's not your fault."  
  
"Yes it is!" retorted Duo miserably, taking some tissues  
and blowing his nose. "I should never have yelled at him!" Kitamura leaned  
back again and studied him.  
  
"You're being too hard on yourself. Did you ever hear about  
something called stress? No one expects you to have infinite resources, you  
need to take a break."  
  
"Don't tell me what I need to do!" said Duo angrily and wiped his nose  
again. "How can I leave Heero alone like that?"  
  
"But he isn't alone, Duo-san. And he needs time to relearn the basics. You  
can be proud that he is able to sit and walk by now, without your help he  
would never have gotten that far in such a short amount of time." answered  
Kitamura. Duo just stared at him.  
  
"Short amount of time?" Sarcasm dripped from his voice. "It's been nine  
weeks!!" Kitamura nodded.  
  
"Yes, nine weeks. And it will be maybe nine months before he recognizes you  
and relearns to talk. What do you expect? I told you in the very beginning  
that it wouldn't be like waking up from a bad dream,  
pretending nothing ever happened." Fresh tears welled up in Duo's eyes.  
  
"I just want him back," he whispered brokenly, clasping the tissue in his  
hands. "It-it's not him I look at. He's...like a baby. The innocence in his  
eyes... sometimes I can't bear it." Kitamura's eyes softened and he took  
Duo's hands between his own.  
  
"There's a pretty good chance that Heero-san will recover completely, it  
just takes time. It will all come back to him in time; we need to have  
patience. I know how hard this must for on you. I experienced this very  
situation with other patients and their family before. And that's why I  
really think you should take a break. You're no good to him if you break  
down in front of Heero-san." He hated to put it that bluntly, especially  
when he saw the despair and self-loathing in Duo's eyes, but it was a  
necessity.  
  
"But-but, I have to make up for yelling at him..." Sadly Kitamura shook his  
head.  
  
"He doesn't understand. That's why he was afraid of you; not because he  
feared you, but because backing away is the natural reaction of  
a child when confronted with anger, and Heero-san displays the basic  
emotions of a child at the moment. He won't understand if you try to explain  
your anger to him, because he most probably has already forgotten about it.  
Look Duo-san, you know it's not like I want to exclude you from the his  
therapy, I still think you play an important part in his recovery process.  
However, it's for your own and finally for Heero-san's good." Duo heaved a  
sigh.  
  
"What would you suggest?" Kitamura thought for a moment.  
  
"What about Winner-san and Barton-san? They have visited several times, why  
don't you go visit them for a change?" Duo seemed to consider it.  
"I'm talking about one or two weeks here. Nothing big will happen in two  
weeks, Shelley will continue working with Heero-san on his reflexes and  
basic motor activities. We'll take good care of him for you."  
said Kitamura, relieved that Duo appeared to be convinced.  
  
"Promised?" asked Duo, with a glimmer of his usual cheerfulness in his eyes.  
Kitamura smiled broadly. "Promise. Now get the hell out of here!"  
Duo laughed heartily and extended his hand to Kitamura.  
  
"Thank you, Kitamura-sensei. I really, really appreciate."  
  
*~*~*  
  
Duo pushed the sunglasses higher up on his suntan lotion slick nose and  
stretched languidly. He could hear the waves crashing to the shore, some  
gulls shrieking high in the sky and beside him the soft snore of a sound  
asleep Trowa.  
  
Coming to Quatre's beach house had been one of the best ideas he had ever  
had. It felt so good to have Quatre and Trowa with him. He turned to his  
side on the brightly colored bath towel and smiled at the sight of Trowa,  
sprawled over his own towel and slowly but surely getting a sunburn.  
Stretching once more he got up and walked into the house,  
his eyes needing a moment to adjust to the relative darkness  
inside.  
  
"Quatre?" he called out.  
  
"In the kitchen." came the reply.  
  
"You better put some lotion on Trowa, he's getting grilled out there." said  
Duo grinning as he leaned against the cool doorframe and folded his hands  
behind his head. Quatre smiled at him.  
  
"Will do. Would you like some iced tea?" Duo gratefully accepted the offered  
glass and closed his eyes as the cool liquid ran down his throat.  
  
"Duo... are you sure you don't want to stay with us for another week? Two  
weeks of vacation, that's rare for Trowa and me, and we'd both be happy if  
you were here with us." Duo grinned.  
  
"Nah. Don't want to disturb you two lovebirds!" He was amazed that Quatre  
still blushed at that. Geez.  
  
"Besides, I really miss Heero. And Shelley, too. And Kitamura-sensei. Oh  
well, the whole gang at the hospital." He took another sip of his tea. Of  
course he didn't tell Quatre how it made his heart contract painfully  
everytime he saw them kiss or look at each other with that certain kind of  
longing in their eyes. It made him think of Heero's eyes, how happy he had  
been to see his eyes again... at first...only until he had realized they  
weren't the same eyes as before, just as if Heero wasn't the same person.  
Instead of sparkling with Heero's sharp intellect they were often dull and  
what was even worse: innocent. If the eyes were truly the windows to a man's  
soul then Duo wondered what was left of the Heero he once knew. It became  
harder and harder to trust Kitamura-sensei's words that Heero would recover  
eventually and remember his old life.  
  
"Duo, are you alright? Duo?" Quatre's words broke through his reverie. The  
blonde boy gave him a worried look.  
  
"Just homesick." sighed Duo.  
  
*~*~*  
  
It was late evening. The hospital hallways were empty except for the night  
nurse checking on patients. Kitamura sat in his office and stared at his  
computer screen. A new chance. But still... an experiment. His eyes fell on  
the folder that bore the name 'Yuy Heero' and his thoughts were with a  
certain young man with a cheeky grin and a chestnut braid. He rubbed his  
tired eyes and continued to stare at the screen. It was just a short  
message, with a long file attached to it that explained procedures and  
possible risks. As a neurosurgeon he should jump at this opportunity and let  
Yuy-san prepare for surgery first thing the next  
morning. As a friend of Duo-san he couldn't bear to think about all that  
could possibly go wrong. There were a lot of those.  
  
But the chance....  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
When Duo entered Heero's hospital room, he saw Shelley bowed over him,  
bending Heero's legs.  
  
"Oi, Shelley! Long time no see!" The therapist, Shelley, was a gentle young  
woman with white blonde hair that she kept tied back, and Duo had liked her  
on first sight. They hadn't done much in the beginning, just talking to  
Heero, giving him massages, listening to music, working his arms and legs,  
just as she was doing right now.  
  
"Hello, Duo-san, good to have you back." She answered and smiled at him. "I  
think Heero-san missed you, he kept looking at the door all the time." Duo's  
eyes wandered immediately to Heero who was looking at him right then.  
Shelley sensed that Duo needed some time alone with his friend. "I'll be  
back later." Duo nodded and gave her a small grin that faded when the door  
clicked shut behind her.  
  
"Heero." he breathed. Heero looked at him with bright blue eyes, not  
smiling, not flinching, but somehow still acknowledging Duo's presence.  
  
"I missed you, koi." whispered Duo and bowed to press soft lips on Heero's  
forehead. He felt something tugging at his hand and when he opened his eyes  
again, he saw that Heero's gaze was now focused on his hand. He had taken  
Duo's hand and was playing with the  
fingers, bending and curling them. Duo sank down on the bed and just watched  
him, reveling in the feeling of Heero's warm touch, even though he knew that  
it was born from childlike curiosity. He sighed deeply and found Heero  
watching him, confusion and apparent disorientation in his eyes. He swayed  
and sagged, and Duo caught him just in time. "Easy there. Would you like to  
take a walk with me?"  
  
After weeks of physical therapy Heero had relearned the basic motor  
activities like sitting and walking, but he needed someone to tell him where  
to go, to lead him and guide him to a place to sit down. Duo had found out  
that Heero liked to sit near the smoker-room, beside a panorama window,  
where the sun would shine on him. Duo liked to think that it reminded him a  
little bit of their apartment.  
  
"Here, let's put on your sneakers first." He helped Heero sit up again, so  
that his feet dangled from one side of the bed.  
  
Duo slipped the sneakers on Heero's feet and tied the laces as firmly as he  
could, so that Heero wouldn't trip. It had already happened one time. Then  
he slid one arm around Heero's waist and gently pulled him to a standing  
position. Normally Heero would start walking on his own now, though he  
always waited for someone to come and take his hand. This time, however, he  
just turned around so that he was face to face with Duo. They were standing  
so close that their noses nearly touched. Duo felt his heart pound. He gazed   
into the blue depths of Heero's eyes, which were unreadable at the moment.  
  
Something flickered there: curiosity maybe, before Heero suddenly lifted his  
right hand and touched Duo's cheek with the pads of his fingers. Duo  
trembled under his touch, breathing quickly, heartbeat speeding up. Heero's  
fingers slid over his cheek to his slightly opened lips where they  
hesitated.  
  
Without pausing to look at Heero Duo pressed his lips to those fingers in a  
soft kiss. Heero made a small sound and withdrew his hand, staring at his  
fingers and moving them. Then he turned and shuffled to the  
door. Duo found his breath and went after him, his heart beating joyously.  
He caught up with him and took his hand.  
  
No words were uttered, nor were they necessary.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Shelley found them still at the panorama window an hour later. "Hey guys!"  
They both looked at her, Heero with his usual non-expression, Duo with a  
grin.  
  
"Hey Shelley! Time for another work out?" She nodded and took Heero's hand.  
  
"Kitamura-sensei wants to talk to you." she informed Duo and pulled Heero to  
his feet. Duo frowned.  
  
"Oh? Okay, then I'll catch up with you later." He patted Heero's shoulder.  
  
"Be nice to her, man!"  
  
*~*~*  
  
"Shelley said you want to talk to me?" Duo nudged the door to Kitamura's  
office closed with an elbow.  
  
"Yes, that's right, please take a seat." Kitamura looked up from the report  
he had been writing and closed the folder. "I meant to tell you this before,  
but I had to think it over first." Duo had flopped down on a plush seat and  
rested his elbows on the chair's armrests. "A fellow neurosurgeon sent me an  
email with a report attached to it. It included several case studies of  
severe brain injuries that had been treated with a relatively new method and  
had recovered completely in record time. We're still talking about surgery  
here, though, and it would be a long and risky operation." Duo digested this  
with wide eyes.  
  
"Brain surgery?" The word reverberated with unknown horrors. Kitamura  
nodded.  
  
"Yes, brain surgery. I'd be the one assisting, which is why I wanted to  
think this through first. But I have to inform you of the risks." Duo slowly  
shook his head.  
  
"Wait a moment. You said they completely recovered after the operation? And  
you think Heero would, too?"  
  
"The chances are fifty to fifty. The treatment hasn't been tested  
extensively yet, like I said, it's new. It could mean that two weeks after  
the surgery Heero will be completely recovered, except for the scars of  
course. It could also mean, and that is what I mean by risk, that he might  
never recover. That wouldn't be the worst that could happen." Duo swallowed.  
  
"What-what else could go wrong?" Kitamura shrugged and opened another folder  
on his desk. "The parietal lobe could be damaged, which would result in the  
inability to discriminate between sensory stimuli or to locate and recognize   
parts of the body. If it is severe damage, it might lead to inability to recognize   
oneself. Another part that could possibly be damaged are the basal ganglia.   
Damage of these would result in movement disorders, that means for example   
tremors when Heero-san is resting and when he initiates movement, or   
abnormal increase in muscle tone and generally difficulties initiating movement.   
At worst it could result in the Parkinson's Disease."   
Duo needed a little time to process that and translate it into something he could   
understand.  
  
"I need your permission to perform this operation, Duo-san. You're  
officially Heero-san's guardian." Kitamura watched Duo closely.  
  
"Would you recommend that... method?" The young man looked calm, and there   
was a bright ember of hope in his eyes. Kitamura nodded solemnly.  
  
"Yes. I would. I spent the last week acquainting myself with the necessary  
equipment and talking to some of my colleagues who have done  
this operation before. I will only assist, not actually perform it myself.  
If you agree, I will schedule surgery for tomorrow morning."  
  
"So fast?" wondered Duo. Kitamura allowed himself a smile. "I was pretty  
sure you would agree." Duo flexed his hands several times and looked at  
them, remembering Heero's eyes, the touch of his fingers. He shuddered.  
  
"I trust you, Kitamura-sensei, you know that."  
  
"Hai." answered Kitamura quietly.  
  
*~*~*  
  
The dawn found Duo pacing restlessly in Heero's room. The anesthesiologist  
had already been there and explained how they were going to proceed,  
injecting Heero with a sedative and calming down  
the nervous Duo. Duo had signed the necessary papers and was now  
waiting for the nurse to come and take Heero down into the surgery.  
  
"I hope I made the right decision, koi," he whispered, coming to rest on the  
chair beside Heero's bed. The other boy looked strange. Several areas of his  
head were shaven and he was dressed in a flimsy hospital gown. An IV   
dripped fluid into his left arm. Duo softly stroked a chilly cheek and pulled the   
thin sheets up higher, covering the slightly shivering boy with them.   
"If something goes wrong... I hope you can forgive me. I-I'd like to say that   
I'm doing this all for you, but to be honest... I guess I'm being selfish. Is it   
selfish to want you back? I don't know..." Duo paused a moment, blinking   
back tears. The serene expression on Heero's face reminded him so much   
of the time he'd been in the coma. "I love you." he whispered and sniffed,   
wiping away the tears before they could spill. "I'll be there when you wake up.   
I'll wait for you." Just then the door opened and the night nurse came in.   
"Duo-san. It's time." Duo just nodded and stepped away from the bed, as   
she unhooked the IV and put it on the bed beside Heero, loosening  
the brakes and pulling the bed away from the wall. Duo helped her  
maneuvering the bed out of the room, holding the door. He followed them   
to the elevator, where he would have to leave them.  
  
Duo's pulse quickened. This was it.  
  
He bent down and kissed Heero gently on the lips, whispering 'ai shiteru'  
against the other boy's closed lips. The nurse cleared her throat.  
  
"The elevator is here." Duo watched her push Heero inside, watched the  
doors close. Now all he could do was wait.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Kitamura had calculated that it would take approximately six hours and had  
suggested Duo should go out and busy himself instead of wearing a whole in  
the linoleum, but Duo had insisted on staying. Thankfully Quatre had offered  
to drop by around ten in the morning, hoping to distract Duo from his  
ceaseless worrying.  
  
When Quatre had arrived they had sat down in the hospital's cafeteria and  
sipped some coffee.  
  
"So what exactly are they doing to him now?" asked Quatre, having given up  
on his intention to get Duo's mind off of the operation. Might as well ask  
about it. Duo turned the cup in his hand.  
  
"Actually it's pretty easy. They drill eight holes into his skull; stick  
eight electrodes inside and stimulate his brain with a certain amount of  
electricity, and hope they don't fry it in the process." Quatre gulped. That  
last part was just... disturbing.  
  
"And why does that take so long?" Duo shrugged and his glance stole to the  
clock on the wall. Damn. Still two hours left.  
  
"I don't know." Quatre was confused.  
  
"You didn't ask?" Impatiently Duo sat his cup down so hard that the coffee  
inside nearly spilled.  
  
"I trust Kitamura, okay??" Quatre lowered his gaze to the table. Duo sighed.  
"I'm sorry, I didn't want to yell at you. I really DO trust Kitamura-sensei. He   
explains a lot about stuff that other doctors wouldn't. And he flew in a   
specialist to do all that new stuff, at least he could admit that he can't   
handle it. It's just that..." Quatre nodded understandingly, still staring at his   
own mug.  
  
"It's okay, Duo. Sometimes it's hard to imagine what you're going through...  
and sometimes I just don't know what I should talk about and... what not."   
Duo pushed his chair back suddenly.  
  
"Let's go for a walk, I really need to get out of here or I'm going to go  
crazy!" They grabbed their coats and went outside into the chilly   
November air.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Kitamura watched as the last electrode was carefully removed from  
Heero-san's head and placed into the tank with disinfectant, dyeing the  
fluid a soft pink. The operation had gone smoothly, there had been  
no major setbacks. What the outcome would be... only time would tell.  
Especially the first days after Heero-san woke up would be critical, because  
there was a lot of information the brain had to process, and many patients  
couldn't take that and lapsed right back into a coma.  
However Heero-san had Duo-san, who talked to him all the time and let him be  
a part of the real life going on while Heero was in a coma.  
  
Kitamura prayed it would work.  
  
The sutures were finally done and the assistant nurses took care of the  
rest. Kitamura locked eyes with Doctor Garibaldi who had performed the  
important parts of the surgery.  
  
"Thank you, John, I never could have done this without you. I believe  
there's a young man out there who'll want to thank you, too." His friend  
smiled at him, he could see the smile even  
through the surgeon's mask.  
  
"I think this one is a survivor, Natsukawa. But I trust you to take good  
care of him." After they had gotten out of their scrubs Kitamura  
led Garibaldi down the hallway, where two young men rose as they saw them.  
  
"Kitamura-sensei! How'd it go?" Duo's eyes were practically glued to  
Kitamura's face.  
  
"It went well, there were no problems."  
  
"YATTA!!" whooped Duo and before Kitamura could step out of the way he had  
two armful of Duo hanging on his neck. "Thank you, thank you,  
Kitamura-sensei!!" Kitamura stepped back.  
  
"It's not me you should thank, Garibaldi-sensei here did all the real work."  
He watched amused as Duo shook Garibaldi's hand vigorously, pouring his joy  
out in a waterfall of words.  
  
"I'd like to thank you, too, Kitamura-sensei." Winner-san  
bowed formally before him.  
  
"Don't set your hopes too high." warned Garibaldi before Kitamura could  
answer. "We don't know if the operation was successful until Yuy-san wakes  
up AND takes the first few days well. I really don't want to spoil your  
happiness, but... keep that in mind."Duo was bobbing his head up and down,  
but obviously he didn't really listen.  
  
"When can I see him?" he asked pleadingly.  
  
"He should wake up in the evening, he's in the ICU at the moment, so you can  
only see him through the window." Garibaldi turned to Kitamura. "I have to  
catch the plane back, Natsukawa, I'm on a very tight schedule. It was great  
to work with you again." They shook hands while  
Duo and Quatre respectfully retreated.  
  
"I'll let you know about Yuy-san's progress," said Kitamura.  
  
"Yes, if you need any help just call me. You know how to reach me."  
  
Some meters away Duo hugged Quatre. "I can't believe it, they did it, they  
really did it, and he's alive!" Quatre smiled.  
  
"Yes! I'm very happy for both of you, Duo. Let's call Trowa, ne? I bet he's  
on the edge of his seat." They both looked at each other.  
  
"Nah!"  
  
When Quatre went to call Trowa, Duo met up with Kitamura again. "Is he  
really alright?" he asked, this time very serious. Kitamura nodded gravely.  
  
"Physically speaking, yes. Whether his brain can manage the flood of  
information will be revealed in the next couple of days. Are you going  
to be here?"  
  
"Not all the time."  
  
"Well, if you can, take some time off. I'm sure you can help Heero-san a  
great deal." There were tears in Duo's eyes, a strange mixture of  
relief, joy, doubt and anticipation.  
  
"I'll be back at six."  
  
*~*~*  
  
Pain... pain?  
  
"Heero?"  
  
Duo...  
  
"Heero, can you hear us?"  
  
Where...? Duo...?  
  
"Heero-san, if you can hear us, try to blink."  
  
Pain... head hurts...  
  
"He doesn't move," whispered Duo anxiously, his voice muffled by the  
surgeon's mask he had to wear.  
  
Kitamura concentrated on the monitors. "Give him some time. And keep your  
voice down, Duo-san." The room was only dimly lit, the curtains drawn shut,  
so that Heero wouldn't be blinded. Duo knelt down beside  
the bed and took Heero's hand into his gloved one.  
  
"Heero... I'm here." Heero's fingers twitched and a low moan reverberated  
through the room. Duo and Kitamura looked up just in time to see one   
eyelid crack open to reveal a dull blue eye. It fluttered shut again, only to   
be opened again, along with the other one. There was confusion in these   
eyes, disorientation and pain. Kitamura's eyes were fixed on the monitors.   
He prayed that it would work...  
  
"Heero?" Duo's voice sounded small. There was a moan again, and suddenly  
Heero started to cough and gag. Kitamura cursed mentally.  
  
"Get the sedative ready."  
  
The nurse in the background complied immediately, grabbing the already  
prepared syringe. When she was about to inject it, Duo's voice stopped her.  
  
"No! Don't!"  
  
"Duo-san!" Whatever Kitamura had meant to say died on his lips when he  
watched Duo bend further down, so that his head was next to Heero's. "Calm  
down, Heero, relax. There's a tube down your throat to help you breathe,  
don't fight it or you'll tear your stitches! Relax, I'm here with you." Kitamura   
was sure it wouldn't work, but Heero proved him wrong. Duo kept whispering   
soothing words into his ear, stroking his cheek with a hand and pressing   
Heero's hand reassuringly. Beneath his gentle caress Heero gradually   
relaxed, coughing weakly several times. Kitamura was once more touched   
by the understanding Duo had for the pale boy on the bed.  
  
Heero did his best to follow Duo's advice; he clung to Duo's voice with his  
rapidly dwindling consciousness, fighting the gagging reflex and trying to  
accept the alien element in his throat. His mind was reeling, trying to  
remember where he was and what had gotten him into this situation. There  
were glimpses of Duo, a flood of images that invaded his thoughts, but the  
last thing he clearly recalled was his gundam collapsing on top of him. He  
just couldn't connect all those different images, the pain in his head was  
becoming unbearable. He moaned again and tried to move his head to Duo's  
voice, but that movement was obviously too much.  
  
He tumbled back into blackness.  
  
"Kitamura-sensei! What's happening??" hissed Duo, panic in his voice.  
Heero's eyes had fluttered shut again, and he didn't move. Kitamura observed  
the monitors with a frown. "I'm not entirely sure... It's too early to draw  
conclusions. Maybe he's still affected by the narcotic, who knows..." Duo  
clutched Heero's hand almost painfully.  
  
"You should know; you're the doctor!" Kitamura fought down his own  
nervousness. "Duo-san, would you please calm down! I won't make any hasty  
diagnosis, we have to be patient and wait." Duo closed his eyes and  
swallowed.  
  
"Gomen nasai, Kitamura-sensei. I-I didn't mean to be rude..." Kitamura laid  
a hand on his shoulder and gently led him outside. They got out of the  
scrubs and the masks and went into Kitamura's office. Duo sank down into one  
seat and rubbed his eyes with the knuckles of his hands.  
  
"Would you like some coffee?" offered Kitamura and cleaned his overused  
coffeepot.  
  
"Yeah." answered Duo and stifled a yawn. He exhaled sharply and focused his  
tired eyes on Kitamura's face. "I'm really sorry I overreacted back there, it was   
just that... he was there. I mean, the real Heero, the one I remember. I could   
feel it!" Kitamura poured water into the machine and flipped it on, returning to   
his seat behind the desk.  
  
"I think Heero-san was simply too tired. It's been an awful long operation  
after all, and that's very stressful for the patient, too. The sensors  
didn't pick up anything out of the ordinary. I was worried about what his   
coughing would do to the sutures, but you did a good job calming him   
down. We'll watch him closely throughout the night, but my guess is that   
he will just sleep off the effects of the narcotic. Why don't you--"  
  
"If you suggest I go home and take a little nap, you can forget it!" growled  
Duo.  
  
"Do you want me to sedate you? I'll do it if you don't take a break."  
answered Kitamura, and from the way his eyes glittered Duo could tell that  
he was quite serious. He threw his hands up in resignation.  
  
"Okay, okay, I'll go home. BUT." He eyed Kitamura. "As soon as there's any  
change in Heero's condition you call me. And be it fifteen minutes after I  
left!" Kitamura chuckled softly. "I promise. And now get out of  
here!"  
  
*~*~*  
  
A day later  
  
There it was again.  
  
A spark of...  
  
He tried to retreat into the warm and fuzzy blackness again, it just felt so  
comfortable there. But the spark exploded to a supernova of red glowing pain  
and it wouldn't leave him alone! He was overcome by panic and tried to flee,   
to hide, but there was nowhere he could go, and so it just swept over him   
and carried him away to the edge of consciousness.  
  
The noises registered first in his brain.  
  
Something was beeping, and there was the rustle of clothes.  
  
"Duo?" he asked, or at least wanted to, because in reality he didn't even  
open his mouth. He moaned in pain.  
  
"Heero?"  
  
There! Duo! Heero wanted to open his eyes, wanted to see him... He   
moaned again.  
  
"Heero, it's okay to open your eyes, we killed the light. Come on, you   
can do it, koi..."  
  
His mind just froze at that whispered word, broke over that syllable, as  
memories rushed into his brain, of a voice whispering to him, Duo talking to  
him, all those words, it was just too much!! Tears sprang to his closed eyes  
and rolled down to his ears, he could feel the wet traces they left, cold in  
the air.  
  
"Oi Heero! Please, please open your eyes, please try!"  
  
'But I do!' he wanted to yell, growing impatient, and then suddenly he could  
see him in all his glory, Duo, so close, different somehow...  
  
"Heero..."  
  
A small drop of wetness fell on his cheek, and he realized that Duo was  
crying. Crying? He opened his mouth and found that he could do it, there was  
no strange tube going down his throat. He inhaled sweet air, wincing when  
the movement only served to increase the pain in his head.  
  
"Welcome back." Duo's smile was so warm that the warmth managed to seep into  
Heero's bones and make him all fuzzy inside. His eyelids started to droop  
again.  
  
"Heero, mattei! Don't go back to sleep, you slept for a whole day and a half  
now. Look at me..."  
  
There was some whispering going on that Heero didn't understand, before  
Duo's face was back. It was oddly distorted somehow, and Heero strained his  
eyes to get a better view, but even though the dizziness receded  
and Duo's face was sharp again, he looked strange. His face was... longer,  
no, thinner, and his features were just so-so strong somehow... but that  
might be an illusion caused by the surgeon's mask he was wearing. Heero's  
mind clumsily tried to come up with explanations, noticing for the first  
time that Duo's voice was different, too, deeper.  
  
'Maybe it's not Duo at all!' his confused mind inserted. Heero let his eyes  
wander through the dimly lit room, without moving his head, since he had  
learned that it would only be painful. His reflexes were so rusty that he  
concluded he must have been out of it for quite some time. Never in his   
life had he felt so weak, so helpless. Heero's lips parted.  
  
"Wh-wha--t..."  
  
God, his voice sounded horrible! And why was it so hard to formulate the  
words when they were so clear in his mind? There again, whispering. Then  
Duo, this strange version of Duo talking to him.  
  
"Kitamura-sensei, your doctor, thinks it's a good idea to fill you in on  
what's going on. This is what's been happening. You took a hit in your  
gundam and plummeted to earth. Something went wrong and the  
thing just collapsed on top of you." There was a sigh, as if Duo needed to  
bring up courage. "That was one and a half years ago. Because of the head  
injury you went into a coma. Last week Kitamura-sensei got information on a  
new treatment for patients with brain damage, a new kinda surgery. That  
surgery was performed on you yesterday morning, you've just slept off the  
effect of the narcotic. Yeah, that's basically it." Another, deeper voice  
joined in.  
  
"Heero-san, we need to do some tests with you, nothing big, just some  
basics. First I need to have a look at your eyes, I'll have to use a  
penlight for that, so be warned. It's not bright, but the moment it hurts  
you, just close your eyes." Heero wanted to nod but found he couldn't, even  
the intention to move his head hurt. So he just swallowed once, numbly, his  
thoughts jumbled.  
  
"Alright, now please open your eyes." Huh? He hadn't even realized they had  
drifted shut again. There was something... someone holding his hand, he   
could feel it, the warmth...  
  
Then light was stabbing at his eyes, cutting through his head like a laser,  
and he gasped in pain, clenching the hand that was holding his.  
  
"H-hurts..."  
  
The light flickered once and was gone, leaving only dark splotches of red in  
his vision.  
  
The voice, Kitamura-sensei, said, "His eyes look fine. Physically he's  
alright, the wounds are healing nicely, and the CAT scan showed no swelling.  
It's up to him to get his head clear now." Heero dared to open his eyes  
again and blinked at Duo. He heard the clacking of a door shutting, then Duo  
was looking at him with the warmest smile he had  
ever seen. It sent a delicious shiver down his spine. He allowed his own  
lips to curve into a tentative smile.  
  
Duo was helplessly fascinated. Heero had spoken, had actually pronounced  
WORDS that made sense; had looked at him with recognition in his eyes, and  
now... now, he was smiling at him. A small and slowly spreading smile that  
made his heart ache with longing, bursting with love.  
  
But he knew that he couldn't reveal his feelings for the Japanese boy yet,  
even as the word 'koi' had slipped from his lips Kitamura had shot him a  
warning glance.  
  
It was too early for that.  
  
But even though Heero knew nothing of his growing love and devotion, they  
were friends, and friends helped each other out. Duo watched as Heero's eyes  
blinked and wandered around the room. His head was held firmly in place in  
order to protect the sutures, but his fingers were twitching, scraping over  
the thin sheets. The dullness in his eyes had left to be replaced by the  
glitter that Duo remembered so well, cobalt blue metal chips set in the  
chiseled face of a young man far too beautiful for a simple soldier.  
  
"Heero?" Duo prompted softly. Those eyes focused on him immediately and  
Duo's heart leapt into his throat. During that incident three days ago, when  
he had kissed Heero's fingertips, these blue orbs had remained  
uncomprehending, hadn't really seen and recognized him. Now Heero's piercing  
gaze seemed to penetrate him to the core, unveiling his deepest emotions.  
  
"D-duo?" Yes, the voice had indeed changed. Though it was rough and hoarse  
from the abuse by the respirator tube, it was deeper and held rich and warm,  
rumbling tones.  
  
'Bet he'd have a real bedroom voice if he'd want to seduce you.' supplied  
his mind gleefully. Duo blushed thirty different shades of red. The frown  
was not visible on Heero's forehead, but Duo could see it in his eyes.  
  
"Duo... I f-feel... strange..." croaked Heero, his voice cracking on the  
last word.  
  
"I know." answered Duo and smiled, stroking Heero's hand with his gloved  
thumb. "You were sleeping a whole year. It's not like you can simply shrug  
that off. Do you want something to drink? I mean, I can get you some ice  
chips, if you like." Heero refrained from shaking his head.  
  
"No. Just-just stay..." Though he didn't like to admit it, Heero was  
actually scared. At first it had seemed unreal, like a dream, but he  
remembered so many things that must have happened not too long ago, that he  
could not deny it. There were pictures of a young woman with white-blonde  
hair, she was important somehow, though he couldn't tell  
why. And Duo, kissing his fingers... kissing...  
  
Heero's eyes widened.  
  
'Koi...'  
  
"Duo..." he gasped.  
  
"Heero! Are you alright? Are you in pain?" Heero clenched his eyes shut and  
pressed Duo's hand that was still clasped in his.  
  
"I'm fine," he whispered feebly.  
  
'What the hell is going on here??' his mind demanded to know angrily. He  
clung to the anger, it was familiar, useful, and burned away the uncertainty  
that warred with a strange feeling of hollowness in his chest. He heard the  
door open and realized that Duo must have called for a nurse.  
  
"He cramped up all of a sudden," said Duo with his worry-tinged baritone.  
His fingers were still intertwined with Heero's. Heero felt a different set  
of cool fingers feel for his pulse.  
  
"Hm, at least it's not a seizure. Don't worry, Duo-san, maybe  
it's just 'TMI'." Duo smiled at the old joke he shared with the nurses, but   
Heero didn't understand.  
  
"W-what's 'TMI'?" he croaked and cracked his eyes open.  
  
"Too much information." answered the nurse and gave him a smile, before she  
headed for the door. Heero looked at Duo, confused, then decided to let it  
drop.  
  
"So... I w-was in a ... coma for h-how long?" Duo's grin vanished. "Exactly  
nineteen months and two weeks. Then you kind of woke up." Heero was  
confused.  
  
"Yesterday?" he dared. Duo shook his head. "No, not yesterday. You were  
coming out of the coma for eleven weeks before yesterday. Yesterday you had  
surgery." Heero's mind tried to process that.  
  
"But... w-why did I have...yesterday...?"  
  
"It's a new kind of surgery," explained Duo patiently. "Normally you would  
have had surgery right after you got the head wound, but it's only done to  
relieve your brain of pressure. And there was no need to do that, since they  
had you on medications to avoid brain swelling. Two weeks ago  
Kitamura-sensei, your doc, heard of a new way to treat patients with brain  
injuries, and thought about trying that with you. We were sure you'd make  
it." It was all so confusing, so much time he'd lost...  
  
"But you said...I woke up eleven w-weeks ago..."  
  
Duo hesitated for a moment. "How much do you remember from  
that time?"  
  
"I... not m-much..." Heero flinched, as he tried to frown. "There's...  
this woman... and you..." It was all blurry and clear at the same time. His  
mind went back to the disaster with his gundam, clinging to the last really  
clear information it had. Then it occured to him that two years had passed.  
Two years! Surely something had happened during that time. "M-my gundam..."  
Duo hung his head.  
  
"I'm sorry, Heero, it's gone. Hell, *you* barely survived the crash..."  
Heero flinched again. He had to stop trying to frown.  
  
"Yeah... how did I surv-vive?"  
  
"You have to thank Wufei for that, he saved the day, and you," answered Duo.  
It wasn't quite the truth, but he couldn't tell Heero that he had saved him  
in a suicidal dive right through the crossfire. It was true that Wufei had  
saved the day, but Duo recalled all too well how he landed Deathscythe near  
the wreck that was barely recognizable as Gundam Wing Zero, digging through  
metal junk before he finally saw a bloodied hand. The world had rocked to a  
halt at that sight, and hadn't Quatre appeared at that point with a medical  
team, Heero would never have survived. Duo tried to swallow past the lump  
that had suddenly formed in his throat and averted his eyes. No need for  
Heero to see them glittering with tears. But Heero was lost in his own  
memories. He remembered the short moment of helplessness that had lengthened  
to an eternity of morbid fascination when he had heard the ringing creaking of  
metal, knowing that his life was going to end.  
  
He remembered that his last conscious thoughts had circled around a certain  
loudmouthed baka with a ridiculous long braid.  
  
"You sure you don't want those ice chips?" interrupted Duo his thoughts.  
  
"W-what?" managed Heero. Duo got up to leave, but Heero refused to let go of  
his fingers, holding them in a steel grip, despite his weakened state.  
  
"Duo... I... h-how come you are still here?" Duo frowned at that and tried  
to pry Heero's fingers off.  
  
"Heero..." He didn't want to answer that question now, didn't even  
want to think about it.  
  
"Y-you called me... koi..." Duo was frozen like a deer in the headlight of a  
truck, despite the strange ring to Heero's voice, where uncertainty waged a  
war with anger. Suddenly Heero's fingers went limp though and fell  
lifelessly on the bed.  
  
"Heero??" The Japanese's eyes were closed and his features strained, as if  
he was in severe pain.  
  
"HEERO!!"  
  
*~*~*  
  
It was shortly past midnight. Duo sat on one of the plastic seats in the  
hallway of the ICU and stared at his boots. To come so close to victory and  
then fail...  
  
Tears blurred his eyes and he let them fall silently. They dripped onto his  
black T-shirt and left dark spots there. He heard footsteps approaching, but  
he didn't look up. A warm hand rested on his shoulder.  
  
"Duo-san..." Kitamura was at a loss. There were no words to express the  
grief Duo must be feeling right now, no 'I'm sorry's' that wouldn't sound  
bitter. Hell, he was a neurosurgeon and no psychologist, so he decided to  
simply stick to the truth. "It could have been a lot worse."  
Duo gave a choked, bitter laugh.  
  
"Don't you think this is bad enough?" Kitamura let himself sink into the  
chair beside Duo.  
  
"Duo-san, you know as well as I that he could have died several times  
already, during the operation, after waking up from the narcotic... you knew  
the operation would be risky, and you decided to take the risk." Duo finally  
looked at him, and Kitamura mentally shrank back from the pain this violet  
eyes held.  
  
"But this!! This... this is even worse..."  
  
"Worse than death?" Kitamura sounded incredulous.  
  
"You must be kidding me, Duo-san! You'd rather bury him than deal with this  
new situation?? I guess your love can't be that honest then!" Duo jumped up  
and turned hateful eyes on the doctor, his fists balled at his sides.  
  
"Don't. You. Ever. Question. My love for him!! I didn't say I'll leave him  
now, did I?" Kitamura leaned back in the chair and massaged his  
temples with tired fingers.  
  
"I didn't say that. I'm sorry, I'm just as tired as you are," he answered  
softly. "I did all I could, I called Garibaldi and followed his advice...  
but there's nothing more I can do for him, Duo-san. Don't think I like   
that thought." Duo's eyes overflowed with tears, then he crumbled to   
the floor suddenly and started to sob, squatting on the floor and   
hugging his knees to his chest, while he rocked back and forth.  
  
"I-I j-just can't t-take it anymore!" he sobbed. "I d-did everything I   
c-could, there's -- there's nothing left t-to give!!" Kitamura drew the   
shivering youth into a tight embrace. To hell with keeping a neutral   
distance to his patients, Duo needed him, needed a friend. The young  
man continued to sob heartbrokenly, surrendering to the embrace.   
They stood like this for several minutes in the dimly lit hallway. Duo's   
hot tears seeped through the white cloth of Kitamura's lab coat and   
soaked it, as he broke completely down. Kitamura didn't say anything,   
too bone-weary to come up with comfort and consolation other than  
just physical.  
  
When Kitamura sensed that Duo was calming down he led the young man to his  
office and pushed him gently down on the small, worn couch in the back.  
Wordlessly he went and came back with a glass of water and a white little  
pill. He offered it to Duo who took it without hesitation and lay back down.  
Some minutes later his soft snore filled the room.  
Kitamura sighed and covered the still shivering boy with a spare blanket.  
  
"Sleep well," he whispered to the still form. "You're going to need it." 


	3. 

One day later  
  
When Heero awoke for the third time, it was like it used to  
be; asleep one moment, awake the other. He was grateful  
for that.  
  
There was no one in the room this time; no greeting  
commitee like the last time. Heero blinked several times  
and narrowed his eyes at the ceiling. It looked different.  
Obviously because he wasn't in the same room anymore, though he  
could still hear the strange beeping noise coming from  
somewhere behind his back.  
  
Just when he was considering what to do now, he heard the  
sound of a door being opened. It unnerved him that he  
couldn't turn his head to look at the newcomer, but thankfully  
the person stepped up to his bed and revealed himself to be  
a doctor.  
  
"Oh, you're awake." Heero recognized the voice.  
  
"Kitamura?" The man nodded while his fingers felt almost absently for  
Heero's pulse.  
  
"Hai. How do you feel? Do you have a  
headache?" Heero's expression gave away nothing.  
  
"I'm fine." He mumbled, staring at Kitamura with those piercing blue  
eyes.  
Kitamura vanished to return with a chair. He sat down beside  
the bed so that Heero could see him.  
  
"Where's Duo?" the Japanese boy wanted to know. His voice  
sounded flat; emotionless. For a moment Kitamura was  
worried that the incident had damaged more than his motoric  
center. But then he remembered what Duo had told him about  
the silent youth's personality and suddenly saw Duo's affection  
for Heero from a whole different point of view. It added  
another layer to his growing respect for Duo.  
  
"Duo-san went home to get some sleep. He was quite  
exhausted after staying with you all this time."  
Heero's eyebrow twitched, but other than that his expression  
didn't change in the least. Silence reigned for a moment while  
Kitamura waited for Heero to ask something, anything, but  
the young man remained silent. Finally Kitamura shrugged and got up,  
pushing  
the chair away. "I have to do some more tests, I will be back in five  
minutes." Heero didn't even look at him as he left the room.  
  
It didn't take him five minutes to get his instruments, but he  
checked on Duo on the way to get them. Duo was still sleeping  
on the couch in his office, exhaustion drawing fine lines on his  
face. He was sweating and moaning in his sleep, so Kitamura  
turned the heat down before he left again. He hadn't wanted  
to burden Heero with the knowledge that he and Duo shared,  
though he knew it was only a matter of time until he had to  
tell Heero. As it was, Heero would probably find out himself in the next  
ten  
minutes.  
  
Heero's eyes shot open when he heard the door, but it was  
only the doctor, Kitamura, who was pushing a cart with some  
machine on it. He went to the foot of the bed and drew back  
the covers.  
  
"I will test your reflexes now, so I need you to tell me what  
you are feeling. If it helps, you can close your eyes." Heero's glare  
told  
him that he wouldn't. Kitamura attached some sensors to Heero's legs,  
connecting them to the strange machine with different sets  
of cables. "Okay, we'll start now. Tell me as soon as you feel  
anything." Heero concentrated and stared at the white ceiling.  
Kitamura frowned and turned the volt control higher. "Heero-san?"  
  
"What? I don't feel anything." Kitamura's heart fell and he turned the  
machine off. So it was true. This had been the last confirmation.  
  
"Is something wrong?" Heero's voice was quiet, and it still  
held no emotion, no tinge of worry. Kitamura sighed mentally and  
straightened. He went to Heero's side again and met the cold stare of  
his  
eyes.  
  
"I'm afraid so. I'm very sorry, Heero-san, I had anticipated  
something like that but hoped it wouldn't come true."  
He paused, he had never been good at telling bad news. Heero just  
continued  
to stare at him.  
  
"Your legs are... paralyzed. There has been some damage  
to your motoric center, caused by the operation, and it  
resulted in paralysis of your legs. How extensive the  
damage is I can't tell yet, we'll see. But this is what caused  
your blackout yesterday." He trailed off and braced himself. But Heero's  
eyes were still as empty as before. Kitamura continued. "The wounds on  
your  
head are healing well, I think the stitches can  
come out in about four days. Is there anything you want  
to ask me?" There HAD to be something, it was simply impossible that  
the boy could remain that calm.  
  
"Is Duo going to be back?" Kitamura hid his incredulity. He schooled his  
features to express a calm and confidence he didn't feel and met  
Heero's eyes again.  
  
"I can give him a call and tell him you  
want to see him, if you want that."  
  
"Aa." Heero didn't look at him any longer, and so Kitamura  
retreated quietly, taking the machine with him. He returned  
to his office and sat beside Duo on the small couch for a  
moment, watching the sleeping boy and feeling sympathy  
for him. There was a long, thorny road waiting for Duo, and if he  
wouldn't want to take it, Kitamura wouldn't blame him.  
  
He extended a hand and shook Duo softly. "Duo-san!"  
Duo's eyes fluttered open and he stared at Kitamura for  
several seconds in confusion, before he blinked.  
  
"Kitamura-sensei? How long did I sleep?" Kitamura went to his desk and  
sat  
down heavily behind it.  
  
"Nearly a whole day. Listen, Heero-san is awake now,  
and... he knows. I told him." Duo looked by all means as if he had  
received  
a punch in the stomach.  
  
"So there's no doubt..." he whispered.  
  
"I performed the test myself," answered Kitamura quietly,  
feeling for Duo. "His legs are paralyzed. He'll have to get  
used to a wheelchair." God, it stung to put it that bluntly, and how it  
must  
have stung. Surprisingly there were no tears from Duo this time. He just  
stared at the ground, hands folded in his lap.  
  
"Can I go see him?"  
  
"If you feel up to it... in fact he asked for you."  
A small smile crept on Duo's face.  
  
"He did?" he whispered again, before stretching and getting to  
his feet. "I'll go now." He glanced sideways at Kitamura. "Thank you...  
I-I'm sorry I broke down on you last night, I was..."  
Duo trailed off.  
  
"Don't blame yourself. Go and..." Kitamura stopped  
abruptly, the 'cheer him up' dying on his lips. So many  
false phrases for a doctor...  
  
Duo seemed to understand and just nodded once.  
The door clicked shut and he was gone.  
  
The way to Heero's room seemed to be longer than it  
had ever been. Never had it been so hard for Duo to  
just keep on walking. He didn't allow himself to think about what was  
waiting for him in that hospital room, didn't want to make this  
decision now. All he knew was that he loved Heero  
more than his life, and he would never let him down.  
No matter what the future might bring, they would face  
it together. But deep inside he knew that in the end it  
wouldn't be his decision.  
  
The perfect soldier wasn't so perfect anymore.  
  
*~*~*  
  
While he was lost in his thoughts his feet had taken  
him to Heero's room. He hesitated for the fraction of  
a second before he pushed the door open and faced  
the lone figure on the bed. Heero glanced at him with empty and  
bottomless  
eyes.  
  
"Duo..." Duo's fingers twitched as he nearly reached out and  
took Heero's hand as was his wont.  
  
"Heero." He didn't know what to say. For once in his life  
Duo "Chatterbox" Maxwell fought for words. But Heero didn't have to.  
  
"I have a request." Heero waited until he had Duo's full attention  
before he  
continued. "I want you to kill me."  
  
"NANI???" shrieked Duo, clamping a hand over his  
mouth. Heero regarded him coolly.  
  
"I don't care how. Kill me." Duo shrank back.  
  
"W-why - are you crazy?? How can you ask -- that?!?"  
Heero looked away from him, to the white curtains  
fluttering in a soft breeze coming through the opened  
window. "I'm useless... like this. I take it the war is over.  
I was never meant to survive the war. So end it now, or  
I'll do it myself."  
  
Unbidden tears rolled down Duo's cheeks, and the anguish  
he felt was so bitter, so absolutely hopeless that it nearly  
transformed into rage at this boy, who rejected him and  
everything he had done with a few simple words.  
  
"So you're taking the coward's way out, huh, Yuy? That's  
what you wanna tell me? Well, I won't let you."  
Heero's head shot around and his eyes burned into Duo's  
like a blue white hot flame. Duo didn't let that faze him.  
"You can be glad you are alive, Heero! Oh, of course, we  
could have left you in the state you were in before the  
operation, sure. Me holding your pants and wiping your  
butt when you're done shitting."  
There was pure hatred in Heero's eyes then, though his  
voice didn't change in its usual lack of modulation.  
  
"I never asked you to save me."  
  
"You never asked how *I* felt! Damn it -- !!!" Duo started  
yelling; he didn't care any longer what Heero thought. "I  
love you, you cold-hearted son of a bitch! God knows I  
tried not to, but I do, I can't help it. I know that you're  
feeling *something* in that heart of yours, it's not dead yet!"  
To Duo's astonishment *that* got a reaction out of the  
other boy. Heero swallowed hard, and suddenly his eyes  
weren't so hard, so cold anymore, but those of a boy, alone,  
scared and insecure. And angry. Emotions swam through  
them faster than Duo could watch, and rage was always  
among them.  
  
"I-I don't-- want-- to feel this!" hissed Heero through  
clenched teeth, his eyes burning with an unholy fire. He  
balled his fists and shook violently.  
Duo jumped up and pinned his arms down, holding him in  
place.  
  
"Stop it! Heero..." An anguished cry tore from Heero's throat as his  
last  
defense crumbled under the onslaught of all those raging  
emotions and he clenched his eyes shut.  
There were no tears when he cried, choked gasps the only  
sound in the still room. All fury left Duo in a rush and he felt his  
heart  
open wide, overflowing with his love for Heero, as he bent down and  
gently  
took the other boy's hand again.  
  
"Suki da," he whispered over and over, kissing Heero's  
bandaged forehead, his cheeks, his chin, and finally his lips.  
He could still feel Heero trembling underneath him, fighting to  
get his control back, and tried to convey every ounce of  
strength he had left into the kiss. Heero flinched.  
"You are not alone." Duo whispered when he broke the kiss,  
pronouncing the words slowly and carefully. "I will be by your  
side as long as you let me." Heero's eyes were closed, exhaustion  
settling  
on his features in a slight frown.  
  
"I need... I have to... think..." he whispered in  
a broken, feeble voice. Duo fought down the feeling of rejection and  
pressed  
Heero's hand shortly.  
  
"I'll be back," he said as he left and went to look for Kitamura.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Heero dared to breathe again when Duo was gone. He wished  
for the blackness to take him again, for the sweet darkness  
that sleep brought, but his body refused to do him that favor.  
  
The mission had always been clear. Either be successful or die.  
Death had been a constant comrade; he had to smirk mentally  
at the ambiguity of those thoughts, but he had been sure it would  
have taken him sometime, when he would die alone and in pain.  
He had sensed death when his gundam had crashed and had  
welcomed it. But now... he didn't know what to do.  
The future was unclear and blurry, and it held lots of pain.  
Could he deal with that? Did he want to deal with that?  
His thoughts were in an uproar. You'll never be able to walk again.  
Never  
run again. Trapped. Useless. Good for nothing. What's there to live for  
anyway?  
  
His breath left him in a rush. Duo. Love.  
  
You don't know what love is. But you know enough to be  
afraid of it. It controls you, it binds you, it makes you vulnerable,  
and you can't afford that. Soldiers don't have weaknesses.  
  
But the war is over.  
  
But you're still a soldier. Without honor, but still a soldier.  
  
The last thought burned all the way to his heart.  
He should have died. He should have given my life for something  
greater than he was. He should be rotting in hell by now for everything  
he  
did. Heero retreated to do just that, burn in his own personal  
hell.  
  
*~*~*  
  
"Talked to him, finally... told him... well, kind of." Duo was leaning  
on  
the windowsill and staring out of the small window in Kitamura's office.  
He  
hadn't told Kitamura about Heero's suicidal wish nor did he  
intend to. They would take Heero away if they knew.  
Nothing had ever broken Heero the soldier, no enemy torture,  
pain or despair had been able to break his determination for  
accomplishing a mission. But his instincts told Duo that Heero  
was dangerously close to breaking right now and that Duo was  
the only one able to protect him.  
  
So he kept silent, confused, angered, and saddened.  
  
Kitamura tiredly rubbed his face with the palm of one hand. "Duo...  
believe me, this is too much for you to handle it alone."  
Duo turned and leaned on the sill with his elbows.  
  
"Huh? What do you mean?"  
  
"I think it's time to add some counseling to Heero-san's therapy."  
elaborated Kitamura and groaned when the crick in his neck  
reminded him of one too many sleepless nights. Duo was looking at him  
wide-eyed.  
  
"A psychiatrist? Are you talking about a psychiatrist??" Upon Kitamura's  
nod  
he started to chuckle softly. "That would be only a waste of that poor  
person's patience! Hell, he barely talks to ME, you don't really think  
he'll  
open up to a complete stranger, now do you??"  
  
"Actually I do think that it'll be easier for Heero-san to work this out  
with a neutral person, if you understand what I mean. He can't  
settle this with you, because he can't expect any neutral advice  
from you, he can't discuss it with me, because he most probably  
despises me right now, and for some reason I don't think he'll be  
able to open up to Shelley, a woman." answered Kitamura and got  
up to shrug out of his lab coat.  
  
"Wait a minute- why should he hate you?" asked Duo curiously.  
  
"I didn't say 'hate', I said 'despise'." retorted Kitamura. "I'm the  
easiest person to make responsible for his current situation. I know  
you think that this is unfair, but it is only normal and in fact  
healthier.  
It makes dealing with everything a whole lot easier."  
Duo emitted a bitter laugh before he turned to the window again.  
  
"You want to... and me? Shall I stop visiting him? I waited for so  
long..."  
  
"No, of course not." answered Kitamura wearily. "Think of the  
therapist as a... mediator. Let him talk to Heero, then talk to him  
yourself. I really don't think you can work this out with Heero on  
your own." Duo didn't like what he was hearing, not one bit. He was  
deathly  
afraid that this therapist would find out about Heero's condition and  
then... Bitterly he recalled those daydreams he had nursed an eternity  
ago,  
where Heero woke up and loved him as much as Duo loved him, and they'd  
work  
everything out together. He shook his head. "I don't believe that. He  
was... I... he was so different. You know what I mean? I felt like  
there's... something..." Kitamura took out his keys and locked his  
desktop  
drawers, before  
he grabbed his coat. Duo left the office with him, and Kitamura  
turned to him when they were standing in the hallway.  
  
"Look, I'm not saying you shouldn't visit him anymore. Nor am I implying  
that you shouldn't talk to him, but I think he would just feel...  
cornered  
if you go and confront him with your feelings now."  
When he saw that Duo wanted to argue he hurried to continue.  
"I'm not a psychologist, but even I can see that. Give Heero-san a  
break and a chance to sort things through. There's a friend of mine  
here in the house who's a therapist, you should call him."  
Kitamura fumbled in his pocket for the number and gave it to Duo  
who sighed resignedly and took it. Uncertainty shimmered in his  
eyes.  
  
"You really think so...?" Kitamura nodded. "Yes. Go home and try to  
relax.  
Everything will be fine." He found that he couldn't believe his own  
words  
when he turned and went.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Duo stared after Kitamura for the longest time before pocketing the  
piece of  
paper with the number on it and finally deciding to go back to  
Heero's room. He opened the door tentatively and peered inside.  
His heart melted when he looked at the obviously sleeping Heero,  
and he slipped silently into the room, settling down in the chair  
beside the bed. Heero looked exhausted, worn out, and there was a slight  
frown marring his forehead, though his features were softened by sleep.  
  
"What are you thinking in that stubborn head of yours?" whispered  
Duo and touched Heero's hand softly with the back of his own.  
"Are you scared? Do you really feel... useless? Are you alone...  
like me...?" A soft knock disturbed the comforting silence and Duo  
frowned,  
wondering who that might be. It was Junako. He gestured for her to keep  
quiet and met her in the hallway, not wanting to wake Heero. "Good to  
see  
you, Junako-san! Sorry I didn't call..."  
  
"You had other things on your mind." answered Junako, still  
smiling. "So how is he?" Duo's broad grin vanished immediately.  
  
"He's... paralysed from the hip downwards. It's an aftereffect of the  
operation. And he's quite...confused right now..."  
Junako noticed the slight pauses and sensed that there was more  
to it than Duo let on. But she wouldn't force him to talk about it.  
  
"I'm sorry, Duo-san." Her eyes conveyed her sympathy. "That  
makes it all the harder to tell you." Duo frowned.  
  
"Tell me what?" Junako sighed and looked to the side.  
  
"Hazegawa wants you to come back tomorrow or you're fired." There was no  
other way to put it. Duo snorted.  
  
"He can't just fire me! I have a contract!" Junako sighed again.  
  
"Yes, you do, and the contract says six weeks vacation a year. You  
already  
had more than ten! Look, I understand your situation. But Hazegawa  
doesn't.  
He just wants to get the work done. Please, Duo-san, talk to him! Maybe  
you  
can make a deal and only work part time."  
Junako felt bad when she saw the scowl that she knew only hid his  
sorrow. Duo wasn't good at hiding his feelings. "I-I'm sorry." she  
said quietly and looked to the floor. Duo exhaled sharply.  
  
"Don't be, Junako-san. It's not your fault after all." He managed a  
smile. Junako felt that he was shutting her out again. "I'll talk to  
him... tomorrow. Thank you for telling me." She bowed slightly and  
turned to  
go. It was Duo's hand that stopped her. "Sorry, Junako-san. Would you  
like  
to-to have a coffee with me?" This time Duo's smile was sincere and she  
felt  
like a weight was lifted off of her shoulders.  
  
"Yes, very much." she answered. Together they went to the cafeteria and  
sat  
down on one of the white tables.  
  
"Everything in here's so sterile!" commented Duo  
and looked around. "They could've at least made the cafeteria  
look normal." Junako sipped some hot coffee, holding the mug between her  
cold hands. She didn't really know what to talk about, there were  
so many things she wanted to know about Duo, but ever since  
that fateful evening where alcohol had overridden her inhibitions  
completely and she had just kissed him, he had been closed off.  
Polite and friendly, but not really there. Junako wanted to assure him  
that  
she understood, that she wasn't after him, at least not in THAT way.  
If she only could convince herself of that fact, too.  
  
"Duo-san..." Duo's incredible violet eyes focused on her. She took a  
deep  
breath and plunged forward. "I want to apologize for - for that  
night, I didn't really know what I was doing. I am sorry."  
She bowed her head slowly, ashamed, and let the steam of the  
hot coffee warm her already hot face. "I-I want to be your friend."  
she whispered softly, willing her screaming heart to be silent.  
Duo stared at her bowed head, at the soft auburn hair  
hiding her face. Was she crying? He cleared his throat.  
  
"I don't know, Junako-san." She looked up at him again and he saw that  
her  
eyes were dry.  
  
"I can't deny that I feel... drawn to you." she said slowly. "I care  
about you. But I realize that that's not... where you're interested.  
That you will never feel the same for me... I can accept that."  
Duo leaned back in his chair and tilted his head to look at the  
ceiling.  
  
"Junako-san... I don't want to disappoint you. And I'm  
not saying we can't be friends. But we don't really know each  
other, and now I don't have time to get to know another person  
better. I really don't want to turn you down or something, it's  
just... there's work, therapy... Heero needs me now. More than  
ever." His eyes held sympathy when he glanced at her again.  
Junako was silent, turning her mug around in her hands. Why  
did she even bother fighting that fight? It was a lose-lose situation.  
She found that she had lied when she had told him she could accept  
that. She couldn't. Heero... he was a mere obstacle for her. She  
knew that deep down she didn't give a damn about him, she  
only cared because Duo did. If Duo knew, he'd hate her. And yet...  
When she looked at him she felt her heart contracting sharply at  
the thought that he was unhappy, at the thought that he deserved  
happiness; and if he only found it with that darkhaired boy, so be it.  
  
Junako placed the cup gently on the table. "Arigatou, Duo-san.  
I have to go. Don't forget to call Hazegawa." She bowed before she  
left. Duo watched her go with a pained expression on his face.  
  
"What's wrong with me?" he asked himself. Never before had  
he felt so completely and utterly alone. Heero was the sun in  
his universe, everything revolved just around his well-being,  
this love... Duo folded his arms on the table and rested his face  
on them. He let the tears fall without making a sound.  
  
This love... maybe it would kill them both.  
  
*~*~*  
  
When the cafeteria closed in the evening Duo went to have  
one last look at Heero. He would never admit it but he felt terribly  
lonely. Hopelessness weighed heavily on his slumped shoulders  
and he dragged his feet on the way to the second floor where  
Heero's room was. The door was ajar, probably the night nurse had  
already  
checked on him. Duo tiptoed into the darkened room and bit his  
lip. Silvery slanted moonlight fell on Heero's face, caressed his  
cheekbones and jawline and lent silver reflection to dark  
eyelashes. His slender body was still lean though it lacked the  
callous roughness of sinuous muscles. He looked softer now,  
more at ease, beautiful in a way that belied his discipline as a  
ruthless soldier.  
  
Innocent.  
  
In that moment, where Duo couldn't move, couldn't breathe, he  
knew that he WANTED Heero with every aspect of his being,  
that the subconscious longing for completion within his soul  
would be laid to rest when Heero opened himself to him and  
trusted him with every aspect of his own soul.  
The whispers of love died on his lips as he drew a shaking  
hand nearer to that inconsistent face that radiated coldness  
and yet held the promise of an emotional depth that was rare.  
A single tear escaped his eyes and rolled slowly down his cheek  
to drip onto the cool skin of Heero's hand. Duo snatched his hand  
back as if burned, but the Japanese boy didn't stir.  
  
I have to go now.  
  
Duo didn't dare whisper the words.  
  
I love you, but I have to go now. Oyasumi, koi.  
  
He didn't look back once as he strode out of the room, or he would  
have seen Heero open his confused blue eyes and stare at the tiny  
drop of salty liquid on his hand.  
  
*~*~*  
  
When his alarm went off, Duo opened bleary eyes and glared pure  
hatred at the damn thing. He felt sick. He'd spent the last night in  
Heero's bed since his own bed had suddenly felt empty and cold, he  
snuggled  
deeply into the covers that still held a faint trace of Heero's smell.  
Duo  
hadn't washed them since Heero had left.  
But the familiarity of the smell had kept him from falling asleep,  
instead he was drowning in memories. It hadn't helped that he'd  
already felt down to begin with. This was worse than any lovesickness he  
had  
ever experienced, not that there had been much experience. He was so  
used to  
these small things like touching Heero, stroking his back, ruffling his  
hair, talking to him, taking a walk with Heero's hand in his own... so  
many  
little things.  
  
Now he was forced to restrain himself, pretending he didn't know  
Heero's body as thoroughly as his own. A break up-- he was sure  
he would eventually be able to handle that. If Heero didn't want to  
have anything to do with him, honestly, then Duo knew he would  
accept that. But this is was worse. Hope and dread were waging a  
war with his hormones, sometimes Duo felt as if he were being  
ripped apart from the inside.  
  
"Goddammit!!" He grabbed the innocent clock and threw it against the  
wall,  
though it didn't give him the satisfaction of shattered into tiny little  
pieces. "Goddammit." he repeated for good measure and rubbed his face  
roughly with his palms. Duo didn't want to go to work and face Hazegawa.  
He  
didn't want to work all day for an ungrateful stick-in-his-ass BAKA who  
didn't appreciate anything and he most certainly didn't want to call  
some  
psycho-something who'd pick his sex-life apart.  
  
Frankly, he just wanted to crawl back into his warm bed, pull the  
covers over his head and cuddle some more with a nice  
dream version of said stick-in-his-ass baka doing some nasty  
things to him. Duo yawned and glanced out of the window. It was still  
dark,  
winter was near now. The streets appeared to be frozen and it  
looked quite uncomfortable outside.  
  
Decision.  
  
Fuck Hazegawa.  
  
Duo let down the electric shutters and sent an angry glare to the  
sturdy alarm clock who sat on the floor.  
  
Fuck them all.  
  
The bed was still warm and cozy and welcomed him with the soft  
promise of oblivion.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Heero lay awake and stared at the snow that drifted slowly to the  
ground. He couldn't do much more than move his eyes, and so he  
had been staring at the window since Duo had left the previous night.  
  
Duo.  
  
If they would bury Heero under all those drifting snow flakes it still  
wouldn't be cold enough to match the coldness in his chest where his  
heart used to be.  
  
He was frozen with fear.  
  
They'd taken everything from him that had given his life purpose, and  
now they expected him to walk away with a smile? He couldn't do that,  
literally. Nor could he trust the feelings Duo seemed to have for him.  
  
Did he always... care for me? Or did he convince himself during those  
two  
years that I am a really nice person inside? Heero snorted. Why was it  
that  
people always fell under the spell of the Relena-syndrome? Heero knew he  
was  
attractive, or had at least  
been attractive the last time he had looked into a mirror, but that  
wasn't  
the major reason. He knew it was the aura of determination and death  
that  
gave the image of the proverbial mysterious stranger who hid deep  
emotions  
under his rough exterior. Heero smirked and ignored the stabbing pain  
that  
caused.  
  
Mysterious stranger.  
  
To him it was clear what he was. A killing machine, a now DEFECTIVE  
machine,  
built for war, useless for peace. Simple as that. There were no more  
missions waiting for him, there was no purpose left to delay the  
inevitable.  
Better to die now, clean and quick, than to suffer from humiliation and  
die  
lying in his own shit. But right now he couldn't do anything except for  
waiting. He regretted having asked Duo to do it for him, since he would  
probably try to stop him. No, Heero would be patient and wait for the  
opportunity to arise.  
  
No need for Duo, he told himself firmly. I don't need anyone.  
  
*~*~*  
  
His determination grew during the morning hours, when the nurse  
came to bathe him and re-dress his wounds, wrapping his head  
carefully with fresh bandages. Her attempts at small talk sputtered  
to a hesitating silence when he simply ignored her incessant  
chatter. The humiliation was more than he could endure, knowing that he  
wasn't in the hands of the enemy, that it wasn't a matter of honor  
not to flinch when she touched him in his most private areas.  
His thoughts went back to Duo as he imagined Duo doing this to  
him. He flushed involuntarily, but if the nurse noticed, she didn't  
comment on it. She undid the restraints around his head  
completely and pushed another pillow under his neck to  
support his head.  
  
"Kitamura-sensei will be there in a minute." she assured him with  
a genuine smile that flickered and vanished again when he didn't  
react. Only when the sound of the door indicated that she was gone did  
Heero turn his head experimentally, finding that the pain was  
endurable. His arms didn't feel so weak anymore and he lifted  
them carefully, studying his trembling fingers.  
  
Soft. He had gone completely soft.  
  
Where there had been strong and lean muscles once were  
only soft flesh now. They looked thin. Thin and useless.  
  
The shame burned brighter than ever.  
  
"So you feel better, Heero-san?" a low voice interrupted his  
scrutiny. Heero let his arms drop and glared at the doctor.  
Kitamura closed the door behind him. "How is your head?"  
Heero stared at the wall. The muscles in his jaw tightened  
imperceptibly.  
  
"I'm fine," he said finally. Kitamura sighed in dismay. This was worse  
than  
he had expected. It was a good thing he had already called  
Toyama-sensei, the  
hospital's psychologist, since he had the sinking suspicion that Duo  
wouldn't do it.  
  
"And here I thought I'm the one supposed to make a diagnosis."  
he answered jokingly, but his humor was lost on the grim young  
man before him. "Did you have any cramps during the night? Headache?"  
Heero still refused to look at him.  
  
"No. I said I'm fine." Barely suppressed anger welled up in the doctor.  
They  
had done so much to save this boy, this insensitive BRAT, and he--  
Kitamura forced his anger back. Toyama was better equipped to  
handle that, he would make sure Heero met Toyama this very  
morning. Kitamura schooled his expression into an emotionless  
mask and entered the things his trained eye could see into the  
patient's chart, instead of trusting Heero's words.  
Obviously the patient had had a hard time sleeping, there were  
blue smudges under his eyes. The eyes themselves were too  
glazed, probably from pain, as the fine lines between the patient's  
eyes suggested. Sensation had returned to his arms and hands,  
that was a good sign. The nurse had already checked for fever,  
pulse and blood pressure, everything in normal ranges.  
Kitamura flipped the chart closed again.  
  
"In about two hours Toyama-sensei will talk to you. He's your therapist.  
You  
may want to take a nap before that." The boy on the bed locked eyes with  
him, fury exploding behind two bright blue irises. Kitamura just ignored  
him  
and turned to go, feeling disappointed and angry, but well aware that he  
didn't know Heero well enough to fight this battle.  
Heero lay under the sterile white neon light and fought for his control.  
  
Weak! That was all they saw in him, a weak, sick little boy who  
needed to be pampered! Oh, but he could see the pity in their eyes when  
they  
looked at him, and the worst thing was that he knew they were RIGHT, he  
was  
weaker than he had ever been before, and there was nothing he could do.  
Heero raised his arms again and watched his shaking hands until his  
sight  
blurred. 


	4. 

"Damn thing... turned it off, didn't I?" Duo awoke the moment he  
realized  
that it wasn't his alarm he was hearing, but the doorbell.  
  
"Coming!" he yelled and scrambled out of bed, hopping on one  
foot while trying to fit the other into one leg of his black jeans. He  
cursed when he nearly tripped. "Hang on a sec!" Hastily he stumbled to  
the  
door and opened it. Junako's worried face met him.  
  
"What are you DOING?" she asked urgingly. "You should have  
been at work an hour ago! Didn't you call Hazegawa-san?"  
She flushed when she looked at his bare upper torso.  
  
"No, I didn't." Duo answered quietly and leaned against the  
doorframe, folding his arms across his chest. "Junako-san... I'm  
not gonna go back there." Junako frowned and Duo wondered briefly if  
that  
was anger simmering in her grey eyes.  
  
"You can't be serious, Duo-san." Yes, definitely anger.  
"You're throwing your job away? And how do you plan to pay  
your rent??" Duo pushed himself away from the doorframe, unconsciously  
blocking the door.  
  
"It's not like I need this apartment anyway! I'll just move to another  
place  
and get myself a decent job." Junako wasn't fooled. She heard the 'now  
that  
Heero isn't here anymore'. Bitterness coursed through her.  
  
"Fine. Run away if you think that that's going to help. I only regret  
I put so much effort into convincing Hazegawa-san not to fire you  
immediately." The disappointment threatened to choke her, and so she  
just  
turned and went, tossing a soft "Sayonara." over her shoulder.  
Duo watched her go until the elevator doors closed behind her,  
before he stormed into his apartment again and slammed the  
door shut with all his might.  
  
"FUCK YOU ALL!!!!" It hurt. He wrapped his long arms around himself and  
trembled. He hated himself, hated Heero, loved Heero...  
"God, I love you, baka." Duo whispered. "Why can't you see that?"  
He slumped down on the couch. Suddenly his life enfolded itself  
before his inner eye in a clarity that shocked him to the very core.  
Heero was all he had. Quatre and Trowa were friends, from a  
distance, but there was no one close to him. The ex-pilot shivered.  
  
What had happened to him?  
  
He used to go out anytime he could, used to socialize and hang  
out in bars or discos, used to flirt ravenously with both genders...  
The excitement, the thrill-- where did it all go?  
  
Duo opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling as he rested his  
head on the soft cushions of the couch. He felt so torn between  
his love for Heero and the sense of duty affiliated with that and  
the desire to be free again, unbound. There had never been a  
real opportunity to revel in the feeling that the war was (hopefully)  
over for good. That joyous relief had transformed into a festive  
mood among the people who celebrated the peace on the  
streets, in parties, everywhere. Duo hadn't been a part of that.  
He remembered sitting in some other plastic chair in the hospital  
and listen to Kitamura's analytic explanations, frozen in shock.  
Duo's gaze swept over the small apartment nearly apologetically.  
  
'I'm gonna leave,' he realized suddenly 'and try to find the Duo  
Maxwell I always wanted to be.'  
  
The tiredness left him in a sudden rush and he felt alive again.  
He stretched languidly and levered himself up off of the couch,  
grabbing his shirt and looking for his coat, while he slipped into it.  
His conscience stirred and reminded him that he was supposed to  
call the therapist in the hospital, or at least see how Heero was  
doing, but Duo made an effort to ignore it. This wasn't about Heero,  
this  
was something he needed to do for himself, or he might lose the chance  
and  
regret it forever. On some level it was crystal clear to Duo that he was  
on  
the road that led inevitably to the point where he would hate Heero for  
stealing his youth, for binding Duo to him in a bond that was invisible  
yet  
indestructible and devoured Duo wholly at the same time. He couldn't let  
that happen. Even if that meant leaving Heero behind. For now, it was  
better  
that way.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Heero found that the waiting was slowly but surely getting on his  
nerves. Maybe that had been part of Kitamura's tactic, to let him  
smolder in his own impatience. But Kitamura didn't know about  
his training. So Heero stayed silent and endured the long minutes, until  
there was a faint knock on the door. He didn't acknowledge it, as usual,  
and  
so it took some time until the door opened a crack and a head popped up.  
  
"Heero-san? You awake?" Heero remained stonily quiet. Slender shoulders  
followed the long-haired head, finally Heero glanced sideways and took  
in  
the lanky figure and rumpled appearance of a still young doctor.  
"The name is Toyama!" the newcomer said cheerily and flopped  
down into the seat. Heero groaned mentally.  
  
Great. The Duo Maxwell Syndrome.  
  
"...you're feeling better," Toyama finished saying just as Heero  
began to listen to him again.  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"Oh, that's always good to hear. I'm here to talk to you about the  
implications of your impairment." Toyama answered and went from  
cheerful to serious in the fraction of a second. Heero shot him a  
glance.  
  
"I am paralyzed. I won't be able to walk again. What's there to talk  
about?"  
Toyama seemed to consider this for a moment.  
  
"It is not clear yet if you will STAY paralyzed. For all we know it  
could be  
just temporal. Aren't you curious?" Heero swallowed, but didn't know  
what to  
say. Toyama just smiled and continued. "First we'll concentrate on the  
physical therapy. Do you remember Shelley? She worked with you before  
the  
operation and will start therapy again as soon as your stitches have  
come  
out. And..." Toyama bent down and rummaged through the bag he'd brought  
with  
him, "I want to test your memory with this test kit. Do you feel up to  
it?"  
Heero nodded and couldn't help but feel relief surge through his  
body that this strange doctor didn't know about his death wish  
and wasn't going to pick him apart.  
  
Together they went through the questions and tasks of the test kit,  
Heero answering in monosyllables most of the time. His mind kept  
wandering back to Duo, wishing to be with him while denying it at  
the same time.  
  
Duo was his anchor in this reality, he was the only one who was  
*real*...  
  
But Duo loved him. Or an image of him, Heero couldn't decide  
what was true. All he knew was that this Duo was a stranger to him  
in many ways, that he missed so many things. When had Duo  
become so tall? Why was he so very thin? What did he do in  
those two years? Did he have a job? So many questions, and Heero was  
afraid  
to ask them, afraid to admit weakness and  
insecurity when he needed to feel strong and aloof to keep his self  
esteem. He hated to feel so dependent, hated all the implications  
of being impaired. Heero was glad when Toyama finally was through with  
his  
questions and sat back to study him for a moment.  
  
"Do you have any questions, Heero-san?" Heero suppressed the  
sigh that rose in his chest and looked down at his hands.  
  
"When will Duo be back?" God, how he hated that!  
  
"I don't know, I'm sorry. From what I heard he won't be here today,  
at least that's what Kitamura-sensei told me. Do you want me to give  
him a call? I could-- "  
  
"No." Heero interrupted him quietly. "I am tired."  
Toyama took the hint and got up to leave. Before he closed the door  
behind him he shot one last glance at the young man who was trying  
so hard to erect impenetrable walls around his heart.  
Eventually he'd find out that he'd only shut out the warmth that way.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Heero wasn't tired. In fact, all he wanted to do was run away, leave  
that damned place to find out what had happened to the world he  
had used to know. Oh, it would have been simple to ask, for a  
newspaper, for some old reports... or for Duo who surely would be  
more than willing to relay the whole story to him, and if only for the  
reason that it would give him an excuse for talking two hours.  
  
But once again that would mean admitting weakness.  
  
Heero turned his head very slowly and stared at the window; at the  
tiny spot of gray heaven he could see and the branches of a big tree  
that rocked in the wind. It was snowing again, or still, and with the  
snow came a strange silence. The minutes seemed to tick away, until  
Heero  
was ready to scream, just to tear the oppressive weight of the silence  
in  
the room.  
  
'Why didn't I die... I wasn't supposed to live... what's there to live  
for  
anyway... can't feel my legs...' His thoughts went in circles, on and on  
like a horrible merri-go-round, and finally centered on one word.  
  
'Duo... Duo Duo Duo Duo....'  
  
*~*~*  
  
Duo came to a halt in front of the old looking house in the old parts of  
the  
city. This was his sixth attempt now, and if it wouldn't work, he'd  
crawl  
right back to Hazegawa-san and beg for mercy.  
He straightened and plastered his best disarming and charming grin  
on his face before entering. The bar was empty at this time of day, only  
the  
wax on the tables and the wooden seats, worn smooth by people  
sitting on them over the years, told their own story about the times  
this  
place came alive with music, laughter and smoke.  
Behind the bar there was an old man, absently wiping the counter  
while staring at a TV screen above his head. Duo cleared his throat.  
  
"Sumimasen..." The old man noticed him and turned around.  
  
"Heya, son, what do ya want?" Still smiling Duo stepped closer.  
  
"I'm looking for a job. Do you need anyone?" The old man eyed him while  
chewing on his wrinkled lip.  
  
"How old are ya?" Duo did his best to hide his anger at that question.  
Better not act like a smartass right now.  
  
"Eighteen. An adult."  
  
"Not in the old times, my son, uh-uh, not then." Duo's hopes started to  
go  
downhill. Damn you, grandpa, today I AM! The old man still eyed him with  
an  
indecipherable expression, until his face wrinkled even more to  
something  
that was similar to a grin. "Ya got patience. That good, that very  
good." He  
slapped his flat hand on the bar. "Sit down, will ya." It wasn't a  
question,  
and so Duo complied. "Ya like whiskey?"  
Duo nodded slowly. Was that a test or what? "That's the spirit, sonny,  
nothing like the firy lady whiskey, if ya know what I mean." The old man  
gave him a conspirator's wink and vanished behind a black curtain that  
separated the bar from another room. When he came back he held two  
glasses  
and a dusty bottle of whiskey. He sat them on the table with a sharp  
clank  
and poured some whiskey for both him and Duo.  
"Cheeri-ou!!" Before Duo could even blink the old man had tossed the  
shot back and was busy pouring himself another one. Duo hesitantly  
raised the glass and took a big gulp. It was liquid fire, lava slowly  
searing down its way to his poor stomach. Duo's eyes bulged and he  
started  
to cough violently, a hand sneaking up to stroke his burning throat. The  
old  
man grinned at him appreciatively. "Good stuff, ne? Brewed this myself  
in...  
oh, a long time ago." He looked at the bottle lovingly. "Ma's good ol'  
baby." When Duo was sure he could trust his voice again he dared to ask  
a  
second time.  
  
"Uh, so... about this job..."  
  
"Ya still want it?" For some reason the old man looked surprised. Duo  
nodded and grinned. Trying to scare me away, eh? "If ya still want  
it..."  
the old man said contemplatively, before he broke  
into a huge grin, "Then ya can have it!! Shigemaru!"  
Just as Duo wondered what THAT was supposed to mean, the old  
man winked at him again. "That's m'name, son. And you're...?"  
  
"Duo Maxwell, sir." Shigemaru looked utterly disgusted. "Aw, don't  
insult  
me! Sir! Ha! I'll show ya sir!" And with that he tossed his, what,  
fifth?  
sixth? shot back. "When can ya start working?"  
Duo was so relieved that he was sure he could hear the sound of a  
big rock falling from his shoulders.  
  
"Tomorrow. This evening. Now!" Old Shigemaru nodded solemnly. "Now  
THAT's  
the spirit, sonny! Bring the papers and be back at six."  
Duo extended his hand.  
  
"Thank you, sir." The old man actually pouted. "Sir, sir, sir! I won't  
give  
ya my hand if ya call me sir! Shi-ge-ma-ru. Ya can add a san if it makes  
ya  
happy!" Duo couldn't help but laugh. This bar might not be the coolest  
in  
the old marketplace, but it was cozy. Plus it had Shigemaru. The old guy  
grinned at him madly, before he made a shooing gesture with both his  
hands.  
"Now get lost, I'm watchin' TV. Six, don't forget!"  
Duo nodded.  
  
"Hai, I'll be there!" As he strode out of the bar he couldn't believe  
his  
luck. No more bitching Hazegawa! No more being at work at seven thirty  
in  
the morning, with just a huge stack of newspapers to wade through,  
gathering  
useful information for the archives.  
  
Freedom! Suddenly the day seemed so much brighter.  
  
Two hours later Duo sat in his apartment and drinking some coke, and  
watching the sun set through the huge panorama window. He  
would have to go soon, to his new job, to his new life, hopefully.  
He would have to leave this small apartment behind as well, he knew that  
without doubt. His heart ached when he thought about that, both  
because it held so many painful memories, and because it hurt to leave  
them  
behind. When Duo saw the two beds, side by side, he couldn't help but  
remember all those times when he had watched Heero sleep  
peacefully, all those little movements he made during the day  
that had Duo hoping in the beginning that Heero was about to  
wake up soon. Duo remembered sitting cross-legged on Heero's bed, Heero  
being propped up against the pillows, while Duo read some  
book to him and laughed at the jokes alone.  
  
"Baka." Duo chided himself and emptied the can. Memories were  
for old people who lived in the past. He was still young, still free to  
chose the direction his life would be taking. Stretching once more he  
got up  
and left a part of his life.  
  
Memories wouldn't stop him.  
  
*~*~*  
  
He wouldn't come.  
  
It was already dark outside, the snow still drifting slowly to the  
ground as it had all day. Heero knew because he had watched  
it while he'd waited for the loud-mouthed baka to come back. Something  
hurt  
deep inside at that realization, in a place where  
Heero didn't dare to go and he tried to shut the pain out, until  
the familiar emptiness filled him, drowned him.  
  
Will it be like that every day now? he wondered. Will I lose  
the last bit of self respect I still have just because I will wait for  
him every day? Heero had let the hospital day flow around him, had let  
them  
run tests, ask questions, poke and prod until they were satisfied,  
because he didn't have the strength to actually care.  
His lifeline had been Duo once again, as much as he hated to  
admit it, this need. Why didn't he come? Heero was as confused as he  
could  
get. Nothing made sense anymore, he didn't have the minimum of facts he  
needed to re-evaluate his situation as he would do in any mission he  
got.  
All he had was this need for the baka and the pain, and since the pain  
threatened to overwhelm him at times, he clung to the  
image of violet eyes and grinning lips in a heart-shaped, open,  
and endearing face. Even though it had changed, matured, in those two  
years  
he had missed, the eyes and those lips were still the same.  
Heero clenched his teeth as the need tore through him again.  
  
If you were here now, Duo, I'd let you hold me, I'd bury my head  
in your chest and let your fingers soothe away the pain...  
  
The neonlight went out suddenly, as the night shift began and  
the hospital floors quieted down. Heero's eyes adjusted to the  
darkness and he stared at the branches that scraped over the  
glass of the window with a soft sound.  
  
He had never felt this lonely. He had always been able to control  
emotions  
like these and go on with his life, they had never held such power over  
him.  
Why couldn't he make them go away? He hated this feeling of loneliness  
that  
bordered on self-pity as much as he hated his current situation.  
  
I don't want to live... I don't want to die either. I just don't want  
to live like this anymore. Two days and he was giving up already. And  
the  
next round of loneliness that bordered on self-pity began.  
  
*~*~*  
  
A beeping noise attracted the attention of the night nurse  
immediately. She had been instructed to monitor this particular  
patient very closely, so she knew immediately what the beeping  
implied. In a haste she called the ER team and all but raced to  
Yuy-san's room, punching Kitamura's beeper number into the  
EC device she carried with her all the time. Two hours later her fellow  
colleagues returned to the ER while Kitamura had ordered Yuy-san to be  
placed in the ICU once more.  
  
Kitamura was exhausted. Not only had Heero's heart stopped  
twice, he had gone into seizures on top of that, tearing some of  
the stitches and perhaps inflicting even more damage on his  
sensitive system. Kitamura exhaled sharply, disappointment and anger  
mixing  
with worry. He'd have to call Garibaldi first thing in the morning  
and...  
Duo.  
  
The creases on his forehead got deeper as he thought about the  
young man. He'd tried to get a hold of him for hours, but he was  
nowhere to be found. Duo's enraged boss had made it pretty  
clear that he didn't want to see Duo ever again, and no one in  
the hospital had seen him visit Heero.  
  
Weird.  
  
That had to have been the first day since Kitamura had first  
met Duo that Duo hadn't been there to see Heero.  
Something was going on. And it wasn't good. Maybe Toyama had some clue  
of  
what was happening.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Duo was having the time of his life. When he had arrived at six,  
there had been two other men, maybe three or four years older  
than him, preparing the bar for opening. Shigemaru had still been wiping  
the  
counter and watching a game show, but had introduced Duo to the other  
men,  
Tetsuro and Shikawa. Duo found back into his old habits quickly, joking  
around and earning more than a few hearty laughs. Around seven the first  
patrons arrived, shortly before midnight the bar  
was cramped. Most of the visitors were older than Duo, even  
older than his co-workers, and he recognized the music to be  
from before the war. Between taking orders and laughing along  
with the others Duo realized just how much he had missed this  
atmosphere. He had to yell to be understood, but everyone  
was relaxed and enjoying themselves.  
  
All the voices, the laughter, the music and the smoke...  
Duo was in his element. Shigemaru was cracking up jokes and  
had his own little audience as he sat on a bar stool and nearly  
fell off because of his wild gesturing. After two girls had tried to  
hit on him Duo's male ego was proud that he obviously hadn't  
lost his touch, though his thoughts sneaked back to Heero once  
or twice. It didn't matter.  
  
At four in the morning the last guests left and the place lapsed  
into a strange silence. Shigemaru still sat with crossed arms on  
his stool, snoring through his open mouth. Tetsuro leaned exhausted  
against a wall, while Shikawa started to clean the tables and  
empty the ashtrays. Duo's feet were killing him, and his eyes  
burned from all the smoke.  
  
"Geez..." Tetsuro cracked one eye open at him.  
  
"Yeah... and it's just in the middle of the week." Duo's eyes widened.  
  
"God!"  
  
"You can call me Tetsuro, you know," retorted Tetsuro dryly  
as they shared their last good laugh before cleaning up  
together and waking Shigemaru who went to the counter and  
checked the money. When it was Duo's turn Shigemaru grinned  
broadly. "One, two, three, four.... ten thousand yen for yer shift.  
Aaaand... tada! These are yer tips!" With that he pressed another  
five thousand yen into Duo's hand.  
  
"Holy shit!" Shikawa whistled despite his exhaustion. Duo still  
stared with wide eyes at the fistful of money.  
  
"Are you-- are you sure that's correct??" Shigemaru nodded solemnly.  
  
"Ya seem to be a good waiter, son! Good work today."  
  
Duo smiled. "Thank you, Shigemaru-san." The old man waved disgustedly.  
"Aw,  
there he goes and '-san's me again! Yer're impossible!"  
  
It had been a long time since Duo had been in such a good mood.  
He couldn't help but feel proud of himself. Finally he was making  
his own decisions again, finally he met other people... and he  
seemed to do well in his job. When had Hazegawa-san ever  
praised him? He felt bad that he had upset Junako who surely  
thought he was one of the biggest jerks alive, but for once he  
didn't feel like he was choking under some invisible weight.  
He unlocked the door to his apartment and slipped inside, still  
feeling lightheaded. The answering machine was blinking  
furiously, indicating that obviously someone had desperately  
tried to reach him. Duo pressed the play button and kicked off  
his shoes. After the first few words he stilled and stared at the  
machine. No!!  
  
*~*~*  
  
Kitamura looked up when the door to his office was slammed  
open to reveal a disheveled Duo with a desperate expression  
on his face. "Where is he? Why's his room empty??"  
  
"Calm down, Duo-san! He was transferred to ICU; he had a  
pretty rough night, but he's fine now." Kitamura said sternly.  
Duo was still panting heavily, slowly closing the door and  
plopping down on a seat.  
  
"Oh." Kitamura still had that stern expression.  
  
"What I would like to know is where you were yesterday. I tried to call  
you  
numerous times. You missed your first session with Toyama-san."  
Duo didn't meet his eyes.  
  
"Sorry 'bout that. I was... I needed to be for and by myself a while."  
Kitamura sensed that there was more to it, but he didn't ask.  
  
"Do you want to see Heero-san? He's sleeping right now." Duo nodded  
slowly.  
  
"I'll take you there."  
  
*~*~*  
  
Heero was indeed sleeping peacefully when Kitamura drew  
back the curtain that separated all the beds in the ICU from  
each other. Once again there was an army of machines  
surrounding him, beeping and blinking like they had a life of  
their own. Duo adjusted the surgeon's mask he was wearing  
and stepped closer.  
  
"What exactly happened, after all?" he asked Kitamura quietly, not  
taking  
his eyes off the slumbering Heero. Kitamura sighed and flipped open  
Heero's  
chart that he carried with him. "We're not exactly sure. He just went  
into  
seizures; that's a common risk with every brain injury. It's also the  
reason  
we kept such a close eye on him. Garibaldi-sensei suggested we put him  
on  
special medication, but with all the drugs he was receiving then... I  
didn't  
want any resistances or dependencies to form. He is alright now, just  
sleeping off the effect of the painkillers we gave him, and he'll be  
transferred back to his room as soon as he wakes up." Kitamura sighed  
again.  
"This is new territory, Duo-san. There is no procedure that tells me  
what to  
do, and Garibaldi-sensei is the real expert. If you want..." Here  
Kitamura  
started to sound uncomfortable, "...we can transfer him to  
Europe where he would be one of Garibaldi-sensei's patients.  
In fact Garibaldi-sensei asked me to suggest that to you."  
Duo touched Heero's hand softly.  
  
"No. I'm sorry, but I trust you, Kitamura-sensei. I know you're doing  
everything you can... and I can't go to Europe now... If you don't have  
any  
objections I'd like him to stay here."  
  
Kitamura was relieved. He'd grown too fond of Duo and Heero  
to just pass them on like they were nothing more than test  
objects. Though he and Garibaldi went way back and he  
trusted his old friend, he knew that Heero would be just another  
number, another person that easily blended in with the rest  
of patients. He was also sure that Garibaldi wouldn't let Duo-san  
'interfere' with the therapy.  
  
"Thank you for your faith in me." said Kitamura softly and  
smiled at Duo. "But please talk to Toyama-sensei, ne?"  
Duo sighed and looked down at Heero again, stroking back  
a stubborn lock of dark-brown hair from the handsome face.  
  
"I will." he answered. "I promise." He stayed true to his promise.  
Though it  
meant ignoring his exhaustion and once more succumbing to the silent  
steady  
rhythm of hospital life, he went to Toyama's office in the basement at  
nine  
o'clock in the morning, leaving the still  
unconscious Heero in the care of the nurses. He knocked on  
the white door, feeling a little bit self-conscious suddenly.  
"Uhm... hello? Toyama-sensei?"  
  
He heard a muffled "Come in!" and opened the door slowly.  
Behind a huge desk a bespectacled dark-haired man rose  
and smiled warmly, extending his hand. "You must be  
Maxwell-san, ne? Come in, come in!" Duo took the offered hand and shook  
it,  
relaxing.  
  
"Yes. Kitamura-sensei told me to come here. Uhm, is it okay...?"  
Toyama nodded and gestured him to sit down.  
  
"Perfectly fine, Maxwell-san. I would have called you today anyway."  
When Duo had plopped down on the brown loveseat in front  
of the large wooden desk, Toyama continued, "So you're  
Yuy-san's legal guardian?" Duo nodded and shifted on the  
sofa. The other man smiled reassuringly and opened his  
drawer to take out a white sheet of paper. "Kitamura-san  
told me you met Yuy-san during the war? Is that right?"  
  
Again Duo nodded and felt the urge to add a small "Yes."  
Toyama twisted a pencil in his hand and seemed to  
contemplate his next question.  
  
"How long ago was that?" Duo narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. "Three...  
four  
years ago. I think." Toyama jotted something down on the still white  
sheet  
of paper that lay on his desk in front of him. "I won't  
ask how you met, since Kitamura-san already told me not  
to ask. But... what kind of relationship did you and Yuy-san  
have? Back then, I mean." Duo sighed and recalled those memories  
he had buried deep down somewhere where they couldn't just  
float up that easily.  
  
"We were... comrades. Eventually partners. Well, sort of. We got close,  
but  
we didn't quite... touch, if you understand what I mean."  
  
"You mean it was just superficial?" asked Toyama.  
  
"No! No." answered Duo immediately, shifting again. "I mean, we didn't  
have the time and place to consider things like that... We kinda  
looked out for each other. And Heero's the silent type, he  
doesn't exactly dance with joy and cry in sadness. We never  
really talked. I just knew that he cared. Somehow."  
Toyama considered this for a moment.  
  
"And you fell in love?" Duo smiled.  
  
"Yes. Kind of..."  
  
"But you didn't tell him?" queried Toyama after a short pause.  
  
"I-- w-we were on a mission. As usual, as usual." Duo tried  
very hard not to fidget. "I wanted to tell him. But I wasn't sure  
how. I mean... I always thought I'd meet a nice and beautiful  
girl someday... I didn't expect to get these-- these feelings  
towards a guy. You just don't go to your best friend and tell  
him you l-like him!" 'Shit, what's wrong with me?' cursed Duo  
mentally. Why was he stammering and stumbling over his  
words like a teen on his first date??  
  
"Did you feel that Yuy-san had equal feelings?" asked  
Toyama carefully though he could already guess the answer.  
Duo gave a short laugh and leaned forward to rest his elbows  
on his knees.  
  
"Feelings? Heero Yuy? No. Honestly. That's why  
I hesitated. I mean, sometimes I thought that there... that  
there was something in his eyes, you know. I wasn't sure. So  
I didn't say anything." Duo looked at his folded hands thoughtfully.  
"It was harder when Quatre and Trowa got together, two of the  
other Gundam pilots, and I always saw them exchanging looks  
and sometimes quick kisses. I was jealous! I wanted to have that,  
too. I even considered asking Quatre how they managed, but I  
didn't have the guts. Then the accident happened and I  
couldn't tell Heero anymore." Duo took a deep breath and looked  
at Toyama who was busy taking notes. Finally Toyama raised his  
head and tipped his pencil against his chin.  
  
"Yes, the accident. Why--" He was interrupted by Shelley's voice  
shouting  
for Duo. A few seconds later Shelley opened the door to Toyama's office  
and  
poked her head in.  
  
"Good news, Duo!! Heero's awake! You wanna see him?"  
  
"Sure!" answered Duo enthusiastically and sent a pleading look  
to Toyama.  
  
"We'll continue this talk another time, Maxwell-san." Toyama said.  
"But I expect you to call me and not just wait until something  
happens to your friend, okay?" Duo already had the door handle in his  
hand.  
He turned and bowed shortly.  
  
"Yes, I promise. Thank you!!" And then he was gone.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Heero swallowed painfully. His throat felt sore and abused,  
obviously it had suffered the insertion of another respirator  
tube. He swallowed again, as if it could make the raw feeling  
go away. What had happened anyway? He didn't remember  
anything except dreaming of Duo... Duo who hadn't come to  
see him. Forcefully Heero tore his thoughts away from that  
sensitive topic and tried to find out why his head felt like it  
would split in two any moment. When he tried to raise his  
hand he found that he was restrained, which had him flexing  
his muscles in rising panic, but his reason told him they had  
probably done that for his own good, not to hurt him.  
Though it wasn't as if he could just stand up and walk away anyway.  
  
Suddenly the door slammed open to reveal a breathless Duo,  
the handle still in his hand. Heero turned his head as best as  
he could. Duo breathed deeply one last time before he closed  
the door slowly and carefully behind himself.  
  
"So you're really awake," he said without looking at Heero.  
  
"Aa." Heero replied and frowned, wincing at the sudden pain.  
Duo nodded slowly and folded his arms over his chest as he  
stepped to the window and watched the gardens outside.  
Heero felt uncomfortable and nervous, but he did his best not  
to let it show. Duo seemed so... distant. He opened his mouth  
to ask a question, nothing in particular, just something to break  
the tension, when Duo chuckled softly and unfolded his arms,  
leaning his forehead against the cool glass of the window.  
  
"Should they have let you die? Heero?" Heero's lips formed a fine line  
in  
his face. Duo didn't notice. "Ah, winter. So cold... it's freezing  
outside,  
you know?"  
  
"No, I don't." Heero answered stonily, confused by the sudden change.  
His  
discomfort intensified.  
  
"Oh... yeah." Duo was still gazing out of the window, a little  
smile curved his lips. Heero wondered if he had gone insane.  
  
"Duo..."  
  
"Mh?" Duo turned around suddenly, the smile gone, his eyes  
hard and unreadable. "You want me to get a knife for you? Or  
some pills? Or just take that pillow and get it over with? Come on,  
Heero. You have to tell me, I can't --"  
  
"Shut up!" Heero hissed while his fingers held the sheets in an  
steely grip. He noticed on some subconscious level that he was  
cold. "Just shut the fuck up." Duo chuckled again, a mocking and yet  
bitter  
chuckle.  
  
"Oh yeah. The fool I am! I'm so sorry, Yuy-san. Yuy-san, can I get you  
anything? A knife? A - "  
  
"DUO!!" roared Heero, losing control and patience. He ignored  
the pain that burned in his veins to center in his head. But Duo  
remained unfazed.  
  
"I hate you." he said quietly and looked into Heero's widening  
eyes. "You must know that I hate you for what I allow you to  
do to me. Maybe it's true. Maybe I don't love you after all. I  
wonder. How can it hurt so much inside? Tell me!" Heero was at a loss.  
His  
ire had cooled to forgotten ashes, leaving him confused and frightened.  
Strangely it didn't hurt to admit that.  
  
"I'm sorry," he stated matter-of-factly while he held Duo's gaze.  
  
"That's not enough for me, Heero," whispered Duo with wide  
eyes. "I can't accept that. If I go now... I'll never come back.  
You must know that. It's only fair." Deep inside Duo knew that  
he was far from being fair, but he couldn't help it. Heero just  
continued to  
stare at him. A muscle twitched in his jaw.  
  
"Duo." Duo waited patiently, mentally urging Heero desperately to say  
those words, to show... to ask... But Heero just lay there, silent  
like a rock. Duo's heart contracted painfully one last time,  
squeezing the last bit of feeling out of it and leaving only  
emptiness and determination.  
  
"Fine. It's goodbye then." Duo's lips twitched, trying to form a  
smile, failing utterly. Heero opened his mouth as if to protest, as Duo  
turned and crossed the short distance to the door that would lead him  
out of  
Heero's life and of a time that would remain in his heart as a memory, a  
cruel memory of the kind that rise and torment you in those unguarded  
moments when sleep won't come, but no sound came out. As the door got  
closer  
and closer Duo pleaded with Heero in his mind, begging him to ask...  
  
"Duo..." Heero's words were a choked whisper. Duo stopped in  
his tracks. He wouldn't turn around so easily this time. Like he  
had already stated, this time it wasn't enough. "Duo... I... Duo..."  
  
"Don't say you're sorry when you just don't know what it is you  
need." Duo whispered and closed his eyes against the bitterness  
permeating from his words. Heero's thoughts were jumbled, confused,  
scared,  
with a little anger somewhere in there, too.  
  
"What do you want, Heero?" whispered Duo. "What do you want?"  
Heero stared at his balled fists when his eyes started to burn.  
Something was choking him, destroying him. His mouth opened  
and closed, but no sound came out of it. The flood of emotions  
inside revolted against his control, against his iron grasp on reality.  
And  
then the dam broke.  
  
"DUO!" Duo swiveled around, shocked by the force behind the sound  
of his name.  
  
"GODDAMNED SON OF A BITCH!! ASSHOLE!!!" Heero's voice  
broke. "IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIneedyou..."  
  
Duo watched him shake violently, watched him fight for his control,  
took in silently the telltale shining wetness on Heero's cheek,  
didn't budge when the torrent of intensity hit him. Heero was  
breathing hard, clenching the sheets in his fists so hard, that  
his knuckles had turned white.  
  
"You need me?" whispered Duo again, incredulous. "What for?"  
Heero just turned his head and stared at him. It took all of Duo's  
Will power not to take a step back when he was confronted with  
the hate, the despair and the sadness in those blue eyes.  
  
"I DON'T NEED ANYONE!!" Heero yelled suddenly. One of the  
white bandages on his head turned a dark red. Duo closed his  
eyes and raised his head high, so that the hot tears were trailing  
down into his hair.  
  
"No, you don't need me. You never have. I was just a burden you carried  
to  
feel human. Just a reminder of what you were fighting for and against,  
to be  
broken, to be tossed away as casually as you tossed away your will to  
live."  
Duo opened his eyes again and smiled sadly. "This is your world as much  
as  
it is mine, Heero. You are a mere boy. You have a lot to learn." Heero's  
gaze never wavered when Duo turned to the door a second time. "Maybe  
you'll  
grow up one day. Maybe you won't insist on compensating for what you  
never had when it costs you the freedom to make your own choices."  
Duo had reached the door. The metal handle was icy under his fingers.  
"Maybe I'll be back then." 


	5. 

The door closed behind him with a resounding sharp 'click'.   
The fraction of a second it took his fingers to let go of the   
handle stretched to an eternity for Duo, somehow it seemed   
all the more final now.   
  
"What did I do?" he whispered to himself and found his   
vision blurring with hot tears. He lowered his head and let   
them fall. It was just a door separating him from Heero,   
only the simple action of taking the handle and stepping   
back into that room, taking back his words. But he couldn't   
do it. It was a mixture of pride, stubbornness and the strange   
feeling that somehow he had the right to be angry that held   
him back.   
  
Duo took a deep breath. He needed time to sort things out.   
Maybe all Heero needed was time on his own, too, to come   
to terms with his predicament.  
  
Heero lay wrapped in the cold sheets and stared at the closed   
door, still trembling with rage and despair. He knew something   
was not right from the way his head hurt, but he didn't care.   
A small part of him clung to the desperate belief that Duo   
would be back, that the last ten minutes hadn't happened   
and were just some strange dream.   
  
And while he was at it - perhaps this whole ordeal was just a   
bad dream he would wake up from any minute. But the pain   
was real.   
  
Heero lifted one shaking hand to the bandages covering most   
of his hand. It came away wet and sticky with blood.   
  
'I don't want this!' his mind screamed in impotent fury.   
  
He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth as the pain became   
nearly unbearable. This was not his body. It was weak and thin   
and simply different, it didn't serve its purpose and he couldn't   
depend on it. And this was not his life either. He didn't know   
the people in this world, even Duo was different - and now Duo   
was gone. And with him the last crutch he had allowed himself   
to lean on was gone, too.   
  
Wasn't it his right to wish for his own death? What should he   
do in this world where ideals such as his own were certainly   
old-fashioned and frowned upon?   
  
Heero stared at the white ceiling and lifted his weak and slender   
fingers. Useless. He started to claw at the bandages, tried to   
tear them away with sheer determination and couldn't help but   
let out a muffled scream as immediate pain ripped through him.   
  
His vision took on a dark red haze and he teetered on the edge   
of unconsciousness just from the pain, but he didn't stop.  
  
Outside Duo's head shot up when he heard the strange sound   
barely recognizable as Heero's voice.   
  
'What's he doing??'   
  
His eyes widened and he threw pride and determination out of   
the window as he turned and slammed the door open. He froze   
for a second as he was greeted with the view of a bloodcovered   
and convulsing Heero, then he screamed at the top of his lungs   
for a nurse, a doctor, just someone.   
  
The next few minutes were a blur in his memory. He remembered   
the white and still face of Heero all too clearly, blood running   
down his temples, then suddenly he sat in Kitamura's office,   
wrapped in a blanket, Kitamura and Toyama in front of him.  
  
"Duo?" Kitamura asked softly and looked worriedly into his eyes.   
  
Duo swallowed once before he gripped the blanket tighter with   
cold fingers. "Where's - how's - Heero?"   
  
Kitamura exchanged a short look with Toyama before he   
answered. "He is placed in the ICU of the psychological unit   
now. And he will stay there, until we know what is going on   
between the two of you. That was a suicide attempt, as I am   
sure you know."   
  
There was no accusation in Kitamura's voice, just worry and   
compassion, and still it hit Duo like a hammer. He felt the   
tears well up again and blinked them away angrily.   
  
"He wanted me to kill him. And I refused. So he tried to do it   
himself, I guess." He heard Kitamura's sharp intake of breath,   
and this time Kitamura's voice held an accusatory tone.   
  
"You knew he was suicidal and you didn't tell anyone?"  
  
Duo bowed his head and buried his face in the blanket between   
his fists. His tense shoulders shook, the only hint at his inner   
turmoil. Toyama lay a reassuring hand on his shoulder.   
  
"It would have been better to tell us," he stated calmly, "but   
the damage is done - now we have to find a way to cope with   
the situation. Tell us why Heero-san wants to die so desperately."   
  
Duo nodded impercebtibly and wrapped the blanket tighter   
around himself before he raised his head again. Kitamura silently   
offered him some tissues, but Duo shook his head.   
  
"Thank you, Kitamura-sensei."   
  
For a moment his eyes were unfocused as he tried to recall   
Heero's exact words, but he could only remember the Japanese   
boy's cold plea for death. "He-he asked... no, he commanded   
me to kill him. Or he would do it himself. I said no."   
  
"That was the right thing to do." assured him Toyama gently   
when Duo didn't continue for a while.   
  
"I can only guess why he wants to die." Duo stared brokenly at   
his hands. "I think he didn't want to survive the war. And now   
he's not only survived it, there are no more missions for him,   
too. He has no task. And he doesn't know anyone."   
  
Kitamura frowned. Slowly Toyama shook his head. "I don't know   
him that well, Duo-san... but I think it may have to do with the   
fact that he has to face his feelings, his guilt now that the war   
is over. For you, for your fellow pilots, it was a relatively slow   
process. You witnessed the peace negotiations, you followed   
the reports in the media - you *lived* the war to its end.   
Heero-san is unprepared. He's thrown into this new and strange   
environment, and he may think he has to cope with it all on his   
own. It's our task now to help him face the situation and the   
problems that might arise out of it."   
  
Duo felt warmth wash over him when he heard himself being   
included. He had half-feared that they would blame him for   
Heero's suicide attempt and exclude him from the therapy,   
maybe even from Heero's life. He took a deep breath.   
  
"I know I made a mistake. It won't happen again."   
  
"Yes, it will." contradicted Toyama. "It is bound to happen   
again. But this time we will talk about anything that comes   
up before it causes a situation like this. As psychologist I   
want to keep Heero in the psychological wing as long as he   
shows any inclination to inflict harm on himself. He will be   
restricted to his room for the time being, if his condition   
improves he may be allowed to move freely in the boundaries   
of the hospital grounds."   
  
Toyama looked at Kitamura expectantly. Kitamura nodded and   
cleared his throat. "I agree to that. We have yet to see what   
harm his attack did to his nervous system... he tore the   
operation wounds open again, so physical therapy is out of   
the question at the moment. I only ask that he may be   
restrained until his suicidal tendencies have abated. And   
Duo." He looked at the young man sternly. "I want to you to   
make a decision, right here, right now. Do you want to stay   
Heero's guardian and help him recover, keeping the therapy   
appointments and helping with the PT sessions once they   
start, or do you think you can't or don't want to handle this   
any longer? I won't judge you, whatever your answer may be,   
but I need to know I can count on your help - no, even more,   
Heero needs to know he can count on you, even if he doesn't   
know it yet himself."   
  
Duo gulped nervously.   
  
Kitamura offered him a way out of this. He could leave now,   
as he had told Heero he would... he was finally free to find his   
own way, like he had wanted to do. But it would mean leaving   
Heero behind. Leaving his love, his dear duty, his way of life   
behind. Countless little memories sprang up before his inner   
eye, the many times he had held Heero close, the innocent   
touch of a childlike Heero who seemed to recognize him on   
some level... and the former Heero, the seemingly cold and   
heartless, ruthless soldier who followed his orders stubbornly   
and yet still maintained honour and pride which kept him human,   
made him vulnerable. The Heero Duo had fallen in love with in   
the first place. Maybe it was time to discover him anew.   
  
"I want to stay." Duo stated quietly. "I want to help. In any way   
I can and you allow me to."   
  
Kitamura smiled at him, a hint of pride in his eyes. "I knew you   
would, Duo-san. Heero will be grateful - some time."   
  
Though Duo found that hard to believe he nodded and let go of   
his tight grip on the blanket. He felt warm again.  
  
  
The slow passage from sleep to wakefulness was accompanied   
by searing pain, as Heero had come to expect. Only this time he   
hadn't expected to wake up at all.   
  
He tried to open his eyes and found that he couldn't. A moment   
later he discovered that he couldn't move his hands, either.   
  
Panic seized him with a steely grip. Had he only succeeded in   
making his situation worse? A strangled sound escaped his   
throat, strangely clear in his ears, before a beeping noise shot   
daggers of pain at his head. Heero heard the sound of a door   
opening, then the rustle of cloth as someone entered.   
  
"Check the vitals, okay? I'll see if he's awake. Yuy-san? Can   
you hear me?"   
  
He didn't recognize the voice, it had to be a nurse or a female   
doctor, he didn't know. He cleared his throat and tried to say   
something, but he only succeeded in uttering a groan.   
  
"Yuy-san, can you clench your hands for me? Please clench   
your hands."   
  
He wanted to snort at the command but obeyed nonetheless.   
  
"Good." said the dry voice. "Now, if you're in severe pain, please   
clench your hand."   
  
He didn't move his fingers. The pain was bearable. It reminded   
him that he could at least feel some parts of his body.   
  
"Okay... get a new drip, okay? Thanks. We have to inform   
Kitamura-sensei."   
  
The other person in the room didn't say anything, but Heero   
felt the cool touch of air when he or she left the room again.   
  
"Kitamura-sensei will talk to you in a short while. If you feel   
like sleeping, then do so, that's just a side-effect of the   
painkillers. Don't worry."   
  
He would have laughed at her if he could. Don't worry. What   
careless words.   
  
Though he hadn't meant to fall asleep he must have drifted off   
at some point, since the sound of the door opening startled him,   
quiet as it was. He swallowed heavily, the pain a steady   
companion, and mentally prepared for a barrage of questions.   
  
Instead he felt the mattress shift as someone sat down beside   
him and took his hand.   
  
His heart leapt to his throat.   
  
Suddenly there was a flood, a rapidly building pressure of   
emotion like he had never experienced before, it rushed   
through his mind and left him battered and bruised. He   
whimpered softly.   
  
"Heero." Duo was there. Duo was with him.   
  
"There you go and pull a stunt again. I'm starting to grow   
grey hair because of you." Duo's tone only held mild amusement,   
a faint hint at a sad smile. Heero swallowed again. He longed   
to be able to see Duo, he felt so helpless like this. Involuntarily   
his fingers curled around Duo's. Why did he feel like crying? He   
had to clear his throat several times, before he was able to   
talk.   
  
"Why can't I see?" he croaked.   
  
"There's a bandage over your eyes." replied Duo soothingly,   
stroking the back of his hand with a thumb almost absently.   
"They don't know what damage you did to your nerves, so they   
didn't want to risk anything. The light could be too bright for   
your eyes right now."   
  
Heero digested this. "And my hands...?"   
  
He more felt than heard Duo's sigh. "You have to ask? You   
tried to kill yourself. So they had you restrained."   
  
"I want the restraints off." whispered Heero breathlessly.   
  
Duo chuckled quietly, the sligtest traces of bitterness and sad   
humour in his voice. "I bet. But they won't allow it unless you  
change your mind." There was no need to ask what Duo was   
talking about.   
  
They both knew.   
  
Heero found that his hand tingled where Duo touched him. The   
touch made him want to recoil in anger and lash out at Duo, but   
at the same time he couldn't deny the warmth, the FEEL of Duo's   
skin against his own. He was suddenly afraid Duo would go if he   
didn't talk to him.   
  
"You're still here." He choked out the question that was   
othering him the most. "Why are you still here...?"   
  
  
Duo suppressed a sad sigh. He prayed for a time when Heero   
wouldn't ask that question ever again. "Because your my best   
buddy. And because I have nothing better to do."   
  
  
Heero wanted to smirk at that. The old Maxwell tactic - stressful   
situation, lighten with humour. He felt Duo sit back on the   
mattress, his back level with Heero's hip, barely touching it.   
And suddenly his heart felt lighter than before, an invisible   
weight gone now that Duo was there. Heero wanted to tell Duo   
that he was glad Duo wasn't gone. Oh, how he wanted to tell   
him he was sorry and thankful. But as usual he couldn't find   
words to express his feelings and so let the moment pass   
without saying anything at all.  
  
  
Duo watched Heero's face, at least the small part of it he   
could see. His eyes and most of his head were covered with   
white bandages, only a small part of his forehead and the   
lower half of his face were visible. Duo's eyes fell on those   
soft lips he had dared to steal kisses from when Heero was   
still comatose. He nearly let out a frustrated sigh, but he   
caught himself in time. It was already amazing that Heero   
was allowing him to hold his hand. Hell, it was amazing   
Heero was THERE, the real Heero, not that strange child   
that had taken his place when he had woken up from the   
coma.   
  
"Does it hurt?" Duo asked and shifted on the bed, taking   
Heero's cold fingers into his other hand. Heero obviously   
tried to shake his head, wincing when that hurt.   
  
"Sorry." Duo apologized.   
  
"It's okay." Heero rasped and tightened his fingers around   
Duo's. "It... hurts. But it's okay."   
  
Duo let out an exasperated sigh. "It doesn't HAVE to hurt.   
I can get you something against the pain."   
  
Helpless Heero felt Duo move, his fingers sliding out of his   
grip. He swallowed. "No. The... the pain is good."   
  
Duo hesitated. "How can the pain be good? It hurts, doesn't   
it?"  
  
Heero felt torn between answering and silence. He didn't   
want Duo to leave - above all, ignoring his problems, ignoring   
his own needs, he didn't want Duo to leave. This time he   
would make him stay. But he didn't know how. Talking   
seemed to be the only means to keep Duo interested in him   
- 'he stayed by your side all this time even without you talking'   
reminded him a small voice - and if it meant that Duo would   
stay he would struggle with the words until he got them right.   
So he answered. "It-it makes me feel my... body."  
  
Duo cocked his head and stared at the unseeing Heero. He   
hadn't really expected an answer. "Okay. But if it gets worse,   
you tell me." Once again Heero's fingers tightened around his,   
and he continued to softly stroke Heero's hand, keeping it   
between his own. Heero just let it happen, occasionally   
brushing his thumb over Duo's, but otherwise keeping silent   
and unmoving. Feeling somehow satisfied with the moment   
Duo watched him, a small smile curving his lips. The words   
he had so carelessly flung at Heero seemed very far away,   
as far as the Heero who had demanded he be killed.   
  
With the sunlight falling in through the slits of the blinds,   
playing over Heero's features, it nearly felt like in their   
apartment, timeless, peaceful. Duo knew they both had a   
lot to talk about, which in itself was already a challenge   
when it came to Heero. But he could sense that it was not   
yet time to break the companionable silence that reigned   
between them. So he settled on watching him instead,   
committing every small detail of Heero's features to memory,   
as he had done countless times before in the small realm of   
their apartment.   
  
It had been quite a long time since Heero had felt this at   
ease with a situation. Robbed of his vision he concentrated   
on the small sounds of the hospital around them, on the   
smell of Duo's hair that hadn't changed over the years.   
  
He wished he could stop time at that very moment. He   
couldn't help it - the future sounded both alluring and   
frightening. What Duo wanted from him... he wasn't sure   
he could give it. He wasn't even sure he wanted to, though   
he had to admit that Duo's touch sparked something inside   
of him, something unknown and mysterious. But not entirely   
unpleasant. And suddenly there was it again, that feeling   
that his heart would burst any moment, the panic that Duo   
would leave. Heero tried to get a grip and told himself to   
*stop*, but he felt helpless and weak. He hated himself for   
feeling weak.  
  
The moment shattered when the door opened and Kitamura   
stepped in. "Yuy-san."  
  
Heero recognized his voice and tried to turn his head into the   
direction of the sound, but he gasped in pain when the movement   
tore at his sensitive wounds. Duo's hand held his in a tight grip.   
"Heero! You okay?"   
  
Heero groaned and felt cool finger pads touching his wrist on   
the same hand Duo was holding.   
  
"I'm fine." he ground out between clenched teeth and tried to   
relax despite the pain.  
  
"Can't you give him anything against the pain?" Duo's voice   
pleaded with the doctor. Anger rose inside of Heero. He   
thought he had made it pretty clear he wouldn't give in to   
the feverish peace of painkillers. To his relief he heard   
Kitamura recline.  
  
"Sorry, Duo-san, we already have him on a pretty strong   
dosage. Yuy-san, how is your hearing? Everything clear?"   
  
"Hai." Heero answered shortly.   
  
"Can you feel this?" Something sharp pricked the skin at his   
thumb.   
  
"Hai."   
  
"Do you feel sleepy? Nauseous?"   
  
"No." came the equally short reply.  
  
Kitamura nodded, content with Heero's answers. "It's not as   
bad as I feared. You were lucky, Yuy-san. Toyama-sensei will   
talk to you later, he will explain to you what treatment we   
have in mind. Now I'd like to take off the bandage over your   
eyes. Duo-san, please close the blinds completely."   
  
Duo went and did as he was told, turning around anxiously   
when Kitamura carefully peeled off the bandages.   
  
Heero kept his eyes closed, but Duo could see them move   
under his eyelids. "Okay, open your eyes. And take it slowly."   
  
Duo held his breath as Heero complied and opened his eyes,   
he watched as small slits of midnight blue appeared and   
widened, until Heero was looking at Kitamura with his eyes   
fully open.   
  
"Can you see me clearly? Is it too bright?" asked Kitamura   
and extracted a penlight from his pocket.   
  
"It's not too bright. But it's blurry." answered Heero and   
tensed visibly, expecting the worst. Duo was at his side   
in a flash.   
  
"Don't worry." assured them Kitamura calmly, "That's only   
normal. The blur will gradually disappear. Please follow the   
light with your eyes." After he had tested Heero's reactions   
he smiled. "Nothing to worry about. As I said, you were really   
lucky."   
  
Duo grinned at Heero. "Yatta." he whispered happily.   
  
Kitamura left them alone, a knowing smile playing around  
his lips.   
  
Heero watched Duo, his gaze unwavering. For the longest   
time they held eye contact, until Duo blushed and looked   
away. "Don't look at me like that."   
  
Heero immediately turned his gaze down, guilt rising and   
awakening the panic again. "I'm sorry." The unfamiliar words   
stumbled from his lips, and since he was looking down, he   
missed Duo's broad smile.  
  
"Don't be. It just gives me the shivers if you do, is all."   
  
This time Heero looked up again. He tried hard not to frown.   
Everything inside... was so confusing. Everytime he tried to   
piece it together he failed, he couldn't explain what was   
going on inside of him. He was getting tired all of a sudden   
and felt strangely dizzy. "Duo..."   
  
"Mh?" Duo looked down at him expectantly, with a faint   
blush staining his cheeks.   
  
"I think... I'm going to... sleep..." And even while speaking   
those words Heero drifted off, his eyes falling closed.  
  
Duo sat down beside Heero once more. "I love you." he said   
quietly to the sleeping figure. It felt easier to pronounce it   
to an unconscious Heero. He raised his hand and traced   
Heero's cheek with trembling fingers.   
  
"And I'm so glad you didn't die. I..." He leaned down and   
brushed a butterfly kiss on the small spot of bare skin on   
Heero's forehead. "...love you."  
  
  
It was hard to leave Heero - Duo would have been content   
to just watch him sleep, but there were things he needed   
to take care of.   
  
He made his way to the cafeteria of the hospital and called   
Junako from one of the public phones. She wasn't there,   
only her answering machine picked up his call, and he felt   
the courage leave him bit by bit. "Man, I really screwed up   
this time."   
  
Duo shook his head. He felt sorry for Junako, having to put   
up with his irresponsibility and doing it even willingly. He   
wasn't even sure it was wise to call her, after all, she had   
made it pretty clear that she wanted to be more than friends,   
and he didn't know if they could ever get back to the   
comfortable level of being just friends.   
  
Would she welcome Heero in his life?   
  
Maybe he should call Quatre instead. But he didn't feel like   
going through the whole ordeal again, and that was what   
he would have to do if he told Quatre.   
  
His exhausted body reminded him that he was in desperate   
need of some sleep, and that his shift started in a few hours,  
so Duo decided to go home and catch at least some hours of   
sleep before going to The Blue Moon.  
  
  
He all but crept to Toyama's office, suddenly overcome by his   
fatigue, and knocked on the glas door.   
  
"Come in. Duo-san?"   
  
Duo stuck his head into the cramped office. "I'll be back   
tomorrow." He yawned tiredly.   
  
Toyama looked up from his desk and nodded. "Okay. I think   
it's better if I talk to him alone for today - if he is up to it,   
that is. Um, I thought about... maybe two o'clock for tomorrow?   
Is that alright with you?"  
  
"Yeah, that's perfect. Maybe I'll be here already."   
  
Toyama smiled at that.   
  
"But anyway, I gotta go." And with a last swing of his braid,   
Duo was gone.  
  
  
  
Heero woke up some time during the night, as pale moonlight   
floated into the room through the tiny slits in the blinds. The   
pain wasn't that bad this time, it had receded to a dull headache   
that was pounding away in his head. He felt thirsty, but he didn't   
want to call the nurse. So he just swallowed and stared at the   
barely visible ceiling.   
  
  
His thoughts were sluggish at first and consisted merely of   
pictures and half remembered memories, voices, places,   
everything connected losely by darkblue eyes and a soft smile.   
  
Heero clung to the memories of Duo, since Duo was real and no   
dream. There were soft hands touching him, lifting him up and   
telling him to trust, they were untangling his hair and warming   
his cold skin. They fluttered, like butterflies, over his body and   
lightened the dull unfeelingness that seemed to have settled   
in every limb. Sometimes they brought coldness, then they   
provided living warmth... and then there was Duo's voice, so   
familiar and yet so strange, with a deeper timbre, telling him   
a hundred things and more, transmitting emotions in each and   
every one of their subtle undertones. Humor, summerlight   
happiness, silent content, joyous delight, but also depression,   
dark and heavy, soulweighing sadness, tearful anger, growing   
despair.   
  
Heero remembered.   
  
And not so long ago, that voice had been accompanied by   
blue eyes, always worried and always tender, with the ability   
to capture and hold his focus. There had been knowledge in   
those eyes, and wonder at the same time. And those eyes   
had given him shelter even when he hadn't realized his need   
for just that, they had given him purpose and meaning that he   
had seemed unable to find or even comprehend.   
  
For no particular reason at all Heero succumbed to slow and   
silent tears, washing away some of the pain and making it   
easier to see. Without Duo he wouldn't have survived.   
Without Duo he would have been another number among  
the casualties of war, lost and given up and not even   
remembered. Duo had given up his own personal freedom to   
care for him. He had sacrificed a life without mental baggage   
for a life full of ungrateful responsibilities on a planet that   
had only served as a battleground for the longest time.   
  
Heero felt ashamed suddenly, ashamed and guilty. How could   
he just give up like this, without respecting Duo's choices and   
showing thanks? If Duo had been able to carry that burden, then   
it was Heero's duty to try and carry it for himself. It was just   
another mission, after all. It wasn't disputable.  
  
Tears drying in the silvery moonlight, Heero fell asleep.  
  
  
  
Duo stared a himself in the mirror with bleary eyes. The ups   
and downs of the last week were taking their toll on him; his   
dreams had been filled with nightmarish pictures of Heero   
dying over and over again, and he felt as if he hadn't slept   
at all. It was hard to believe that Heero would be safe now.   
Would he be?   
  
Duo wanted so desperately to show Heero what love could   
mean, how it can change one's life just like that. He feared   
that Heero might feel so guilty that he would continue to try   
and take his own life again and again, until he succeeded one   
day.   
  
'And even if he doesn't,' Duo thought bitterly, 'they won't be   
able to reach him. He'll be so far away...'  
  
Duo shook his head as if that could disperse those heavy   
thoughts. He dropped his boxers and stepped under the   
shower, sighing as the hot spray loosened his sore muscles   
and drove away the dust of the day.  
  
For several minutes he just enjoyed the sensations of the   
relaxing water, before he grabbed the shampoo and fumbled   
with the mass of his hair. On days like this he seriously   
considered cutting it; no one really appreciated it, and it   
stood for a time long past and gone. Sentimental value, but   
not practical.   
  
He sighed again and continued washing, until his skin started   
crinkling and he felt so relaxed he might melt into a little   
puddle.   
  
After drying up Duo went back to the living/sleeping room of   
the suddenly too spacious apartment. He stared at the   
unoccupied bed near the window or a long time.   
  
"I miss you." he said to the lingering dustmotes dancing in the   
sunlight. He wasn't exactly sure what he was missing though.   
  
The unconscious Heero? The cold soldier?   
  
His heart and hands ached for the familiar feel of Heero's warm   
skin and the sunlight playing over seemingly innocent relaxed   
features. It felt as if a part of his life was missing, the one   
thing that added color to his life...   
  
Duo sighed as he realized how pathetic he sounded.   
  
The routine, that was what was missing. Normally he'd prop   
Heero up against the pillows now, working with his arms and   
legs, doing the respiratory exercises, feeding him, and making   
him generally presentable.   
  
"But why do I miss that?" he asked himself aloud. "It's not as if   
he was here for the last couple of weeks."   
  
Angry at himself suddenly, he drew the comb harshly through his   
wet hair. Naturally it got stuck as it encountered several tangles   
at once. With a frustrated snort he threw it against the wall and   
immediately felt foolish for doing so.   
  
'What's wrong with me? Why is it so hard to think suddenly?'   
  
Duo plopped down on his bed and enjoyed briefly the cool feel   
of the cotton cover against his overheated skin, before his mind   
went blank and he just stared at the ceiling without really seeing   
it.   
  
The sound of cars deep down on the street was very faint, the   
wind beat against the window and carried some rotten leaves   
with it, the last victims of the cruel coldness fall had brought.   
  
Duo's hair clung wet and warm to his back, his fingers twitched   
now and then, as his feet slowly got colder and number.   
  
His thoughts drifted to Heero again. He wondered if Heero was   
waiting for him or dreading his return, if he chose at that very   
moment whether he wanted to face the life his awakening had   
presented him with or rather take the hard and fast ride to hell   
as soon as he was in any condition to act again.   
  
"I have to make you fall in love with me." Duo said aloud. "You   
have to get to know me all over again, like I will discover you   
all over again. And this time there's no war going on, there are   
no variables in this game anymore except for the barricades   
around you." Duo's eyes softened. "This battle I won't lose."   
  
He rolled over and drew his knees up to his chest, trying to find   
some warmth in the sheets. He'd be there if - no, when Heero   
needed him, he would be there. This time...   
  
Duo opened his eyes wide and stared at the headboard of his   
bed. 'This time I won't fail.'   
  
Sighing he resigned himself to stand up and got dressed hastily.   
He couldn't wait to see Heero.   
  
  
  
It wasn't even noon yet, and already Heero was bone tired. The   
morning had been filled with tests upon tests, first Kitamura   
with needles and wooden blocks and all kinds of weird   
equipment, then Toyama with questions over questions.   
  
To get a general picture, he'd said.   
  
Heero didn't really care. He went through each test mechanically,   
answered each question truthfully and shortly and did not even   
once reflect on his answers. He felt numb. Something inside of   
him felt dead. A nurse had changed the bandages around his   
head, making friendly though strained conversation while Heero   
just stared at the ceiling and let time flow around him.   
  
His mind had registered that Kitamura told him he was scheduled   
for a CAT scan that afternoon, and he found himself wondering   
why they bothered him so much when all he wanted to do was   
lie in bed and look at the branches scraping against his window.   
  
He must have fallen asleep, for he was startled and disoriented   
when the figure of a nurse suddenly loomed over him.   
  
What was she saying? Yes, the CAT scan.   
  
Heero watched the lamps fly over his head when she rolled him   
through the corridors. His head lolled to one side, and he could   
have sworn he saw a hazel braid swing and vanish around a   
corner.   
  
"Duo." he said, but the corner was already gone, and the doors  
from the elevator hissed open before him.   
  
"Did you say something?" asked the nurse.   
  
One corner of his lips curled in a pale smirk.  
  
In the elevator sudden vertigo overcame him and forced him to   
close his eyes and swallow. When he opened his eyes again, a   
door opened in front of him again, and a young doctor told him   
something that sounded nice and uninteresting.   
  
He shivered when they took his blanket away and flinched when  
he felt hands lifting him up carefully. The surface Heero was   
resting on felt cool and hard, though there was a softer roll   
under his head. He closed his eyes again. If it weren't so cold   
it would have been nice to fall asleep. Just nice.  
  
  
"How's he holding up?" asked Kitamura while he looked at   
Heero through the observation window. "Any problems in the   
lift?"   
  
The assistant busied himself with the equipment and Kitamura   
watched Heero's head vanish in the large tube of the machine.   
  
The nurse shook her head. "No, nothing. Though he was very   
quiet - but I heard he's usually like that."   
  
Kitamura opened his mouth to answer when suddenly the   
screaming began. In a flash he was at Heero's side, past the   
startled faces of the young assistant and the nurse.   
  
Heero was half inside of the large tube, and though he was   
yelling at the top of his lungs he didn't move at all.  
  
"Help me get him out!" hissed Kitamura frantically to the   
assistant and struggled with Heero's slender body, moving   
him as carefully as possible. With the help of the nurse they   
finally got him out of the tube, and Kitamura held him down,   
just in case, while the nurse ran for a sedative.   
  
Heero's eyes were wide and unseeing, and there were tear   
tracks on his cheeks, though Kitamura suspected that his   
eyes were tearing because he wasn't blinking.   
  
"Heero-san, calm down. Nothing's going to happen to you,   
everything's alright."   
  
It wasn't working.   
  
Kitamura expected the bandages around Heero's head to turn   
red again or the boy going into seizures any moment, and still   
he continued screaming though his voice sounded raw by now.   
  
"Heero-san!" Kitamura frowned worriedly and listened to Heero's   
screams, when it occured to him suddenly that the young man   
was actually making sense.   
  
"I killed her!"   
  
Either it was that or it slightly changed to "I killed him!"   
  
Kitamura filed that information away for later, when he would   
talk this over with Toyama.   
  
When the nurse finally returned with a prepared hypodermic   
Heero's cries died down to whispers in a matter of seconds,   
but still he kept repeating those two phrases, over and over   
again.   
  
Kitamura bowed down and stroked some dark bangs out of the   
sweaty face. "Heero-san." he addressed him repeatedly until   
finally Heero's eyes focused again and he was looking at him.   
  
"Everything is alright." said Kitamura firmly. "We will bring you   
back to your room now, alright?"   
  
Heero's eyes were very opaque - Kitamura couldn't read any   
emotion in them, and that worried him more than anything.   
  
He pressed Heero's hands shortly and then helped the nurse and   
the assistant maneuvering Heero into his bed again, covering him   
with the still warm blanket.   
  
Exhausted as he was Heero's eyes drooped and soon he was   
sleeping peacefully, without any sign of his previous screaming   
fit.   
  
Kitamura frowned again. "Please bring him back to his room.   
We'll postpone the CAT scan for now." he instructed the nurse   
and left, planning to have a talk with Toyama as soon as   
possible.  
  
Duo turned around when he heard the sound of a bed being   
wheeled from the hallway. Expectantly he hurried to open the   
door and smiled at the nurse, when he saw it was indeed Heero   
in the bed. He helped her bring the bed in position and sat down   
beside Heero, when she had left.   
  
Something looked... out of place, he discovered after long   
moments of looking at his sleeping friend. Something was not   
quite right with the way his lips were drawn to a tight line.   
  
Duo reached down and brushed his fingertips over Heero's cheek.   
He frowned in surprise when he encountered the dampness there.   
  
"You cried?" he whispered incredulously. "What on earth could   
make you cry?"   
  
He felt the need to be protective all of a sudden, but there wasn't   
much he could do about that, so he settled on tucking the blanket   
around Heero's shoulders. He'd go and ask Kitamura about all that,   
he decided and sighed unhappily. He only hoped Heero hadn't gone   
and tried something stupid again.   
  
Still frowning he looked down at his koibito.   
  
That was how he remembered him. Sleeping. The glare gone from   
his eyes, the forehead smooth instead of marred by that one   
stubbornly resistant wrinkle that added a lot of momentum to   
Heero's usual dark scowl.  
  
Duo couldn't resist and leaned down to brush his lips over the taut   
line of Heero's mouth. His hand sneaked to Heero's face and rested   
lightly on his cheek, his fingers playing with a dark strand of hair. 


End file.
